


Sorry, we are dead

by vendettafrank



Category: Phan, Youtubers
Genre: GhostAU, LMAO, M/M, highschoolAU, reallyfukcinsad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-10 15:21:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7850257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vendettafrank/pseuds/vendettafrank
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The first time i saw you were so shiny and new and you may be made of stars but your mind is a black hole. It sucks in all the happiness that I only just muster but fuck you, the only thing i need is to write your name and mind in blood over the school bathroom walls."</p><p>An unholy union of two boys who found their way to their relationship in the most unconventional of ways. Phil Lester's life takes an extraordinary turn when he meets this wondeful boy in no other, then a forgotten bathroom in his goddamn, awful catholic school. This boy is Dan Howell and everything would go smoothy if only Phil could find any records of him anywhere, social media, the school records, phone books, anything at all.<br/>Phil can't help but suspect the worst.<br/>Who is Dan Howell really?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fuck gravity

"Hey, guys. Guess who's dead?" All heads turned to no other than to the most popular or well, the most accepted kid in class and probably school.

It might seem like there was no such thing in catholic schools, but you'd be wrong. Kids in catholic schools are exactly the same like any other kid in any other school. Sometimes, they seem even meaner. Or maybe that's just Phil's point of view because he got "bullied" or "messed around" like his mother liked to refer it to.

In all honesty, it wasn't such a big deal. Phil didn't feel like there was a big target on his back and he most definitely didn't feel like there was a reason to run. There was literally no need for anyone to feel responsible in any way for what the popular kids did to Phil.

They never hit him, which was a bonus because he'd rather not deal with bruises and blood. Sometimes Phil would get this impulsive feeling in which he wanted to kick everyone's asses but soon it would go away and he would be free from the angst and those little pieces of his brain that screamed to rebel and make a stand.

He didn't want to make a stand, Phil was already drawing too much attention to himself by acting the way he did and it wasn't such a fuss but everybody realized that Phil really wasn't like anyone else in there.

Even the teachers.

They treated him differently. Now, well, some teachers admired the fact that he was not like everyone else but others kind of glared at him for not trying more at socializing and shit.

The only problem was that he in fact, did try but nobody else acknowledged his effort. Everybody had a friend when they started high school and he felt like he was the odd one out.

Phil was alone but most of the time he really didn't care, but it seemed like everyone else did.

Why was it such a big deal to have friends? Why was that important? Phil didn't feel like having friends was a big important thing in his life.

But unfortunately, there was that one small thing, that one worm that dug its way into his soul and ate its way to his heart that made him question if his behavior really made him so repulsive to other people.

No, fucking no, Phil most definitely didn't deserve to have second thoughts of his previous actions and he most definitely didn't deserve to be treated the way he was by the people who surrounded him.

He was alone and of course, it did hurt. It hurt like hell but soon he will be out of there and he will try to find someone who won't be as shitty as people who surround him in this "holy" place.

Literally, what was wrong with his parents when they signed him up for this school? They are not even that catholic, they just wanted for Phil to get proper education and that would be all good and well if only Phil didn't feel like these people, these teachers didn't try to drill his skull with their hate speeches about abortions and gay people.

He needed to stop his mad internal monologue, Phil reversed his attention to the kids around him.

Everybody looked confused and some of the kids that hanged out with David (the popular kid) already giggled with him and they gloated which could only meant something bad for Phil.

Phil decided to have some guts in his life and he didn't even realize that his vocal cords were making words out until he said, "no, who died?"

David smirked and snapped his fingers before something totally unexpected left his mouth.

"Your all-time favorite Simon Bolivar."

The entire group of these popular kids started laughing and Phil could feel the tears pricking at the brink of his eyes. He just hoped nobody was able to see it, he hoped nobody was able to see that he actually teared up from the lie that was told by no other than David The Prick.

That probably wasn't even true; they used to make jokes out of Phil's favorite people just to get a reaction out of it. Maybe, this time is a joke too, Phil wouldn't be surprised.

Phil turned around from all of them and looked outside of the window to be met with the merciless rainy weather that couldn't be compared with the state in his brain right now. The rain drops glided down the dirty school window and luckily Phil was turned around from all of them and they couldn't see the tear that streamed down his face in parallel with the ones on the window.

His tears were faster and they reached the floor faster than the ones on the window, you could say he was the winner of this tear race. Kids always did that, they would pick one or two drops of rain on the window and they would compete to see which one would glide down faster.

Some grown-ups still did that, just without everyone knowing.

Simon Bolivar is Phil's favorite singer; well he was if what David said was true.

There was that uncomfortable moment where he tried to wipe away the tear but without anyone else seeing. Phil raised his arms and his fingers fixed his hair and then brushed the skin under his eyes. Of course, everyone noticed, unfortunately, they weren't blind. David was literally jumping out of his skin because yet again, on this beautiful Friday he managed to provoke Phil Lester.

Everybody was looking at Phil or well, at Phil's place and he'd rather not look at them but he needed to get out of the classroom and go into the bathroom where no one can see him.

David was of course not done with his shenanigans and he had to yell something that would set all of Phil's nerves on fire.

"What, Phil? Off to the bathroom so you can jerk off to Simon's picture one last time before they put him in a grave?" David giggled his way through the sentence as the rest of the guys that played football encouraged him in his insulting.

Phil was almost all the way out of the classroom, and out of the way from the girls that blocked his way out of the room when his patience filter got very short and combusted along with his calmness.

"Eat shit, asshole."

Phil turned around and literally ran out of the classroom to the closest quiet place he could find.

All the hallways were full with freshmen and he would literally end himself than actually be with these kids for a longer time. It wasn't like Phil hated the younger kids; it was just the fact that they screamed a lot and Phil's head wasn't able to survive that much screaming in just few minutes and nonetheless in a half an hour.

It wasn't their fault; they just had enough strength and will for living, how could Phil blame them?

Phil was sleep deprived and his legs were barely serving him properly anymore so he just pulled himself slower than ever to some place where he could gather his scattered thoughts. His heart momentarily stopped when he heard the words that left David's mouth, he couldn't properly function now and yes, you may say, it's only a singer but that singer gave Phil hope and he inspired him to do something of his own and just the music made him feel so special which in real life, he just wasn't.

The music, the albums, the EP's and most of all that man himself, the interviews and the words he said shaped Phil as a person.

It was important.

It was very important and everyone that said something mean about the artists or the people you like should shut the fuck up, because those people are destroying the bits of hope that that person built for this completely irrelevant person who probably never met their favorite artist.

It does matter.

People need to understand that.

Phil was leaning on the walls of the halls of his school and if this was a horror movie, he would swipe his bloody hand over the white, sterile wall and the people who would find him would follow his bloody trail to his corpse.

Wow, that took a horrible turn.

Phil shook his head to get away from the horrible thoughts that found their way easily into his head without his permission. His feet lead him to this one part of school where he usually didn't go and he was lucky enough not to see anyone and anyone was lucky not to see him. There were a few doors there and they were all pretty much as ugly as any other piece of this goddamn school.

Phil didn't want to be pop punk, but he fucking hated high school.

High school was just a combination of horrible things mushed together to make a facility in which kid are more or less forced to go.

But then again, you got to get education somewhere even if it's in the form of this blasphemy.

He managed to get lost in his own goddamn school and even though he's been to this floor before, he realized nobody ever came here, at least not that often apparently.

Phil was clutching his phone tightly, his fingers wrapped around it firmly just in case it doesn't slip, it wouldn't be the first time it happened.

The walls were painted roughly and it almost seemed like no one paid attention when they did their work. It looked totally un-school like which bothered and comforted Phil at the same time. He felt like he was detached from all that bullshit that was there but at the same time still close by enough for him to feel safe in his surroundings.

Phil didn't like unknown places, dark rooms and anything he couldn't recognize or see properly, he stayed away from dark alleys and he didn't enter dark rooms.

Naturally, everybody called him a wuss because of that, but his motto was better safe than sorry and most of the time Phil saved himself a good amount of panic attacks he would get if he didn't listen to his own motto.

There was an ugly painted entrance to a bathroom Phil didn't know existed and he felt as if there would be something good, as if there would be a place he could calm down. And once again, he was right. It was a nicely dimmed all around and everything was visible, the bathroom stalls were in a half circle and Phil gave himself the pleasure to look around.

For his surprise, it was pretty clean but there was a layer of dust on the windowsill which probably wasn't wiped for years. Phil touched it with his index fingers and scrunched up his nose as the inevitable cough approached his nose and mouth and came out as a sneeze.

His eyes watered again and then he remembered what he was actually doing here.

He was supposed to be sad and for a brief second this sadly painted room gave him a piece of mind and diverted his thoughts from the fact that Simon will never show up anywhere, his music won't be played as much after the news of his death settles down and there will never be a new single or an album.

Unfortunately, Phil couldn't help it so he started sniffling again which was followed by a blown out, full on crying session which didn't last as long as he wanted it to. There were five mirrors and one broken one on the floor and Phil dared to see himself in the mirror, his eyes was a true picture of someone who's been crying and he couldn't hide it from anyone or say that "something got stuck to his eye or in his eye". Everybody knew what cried eyes looked like and there was no escape.

Maybe, he should wait here until his face goes back to normal.

Ugh, Phil would kill for some advice right now, for his mental state or at least to fix his face.

But there was no one around and he was alone and so he felt like it.

Phil pulled out his phone, the screen light shining too brightly for anyone's enjoyment; he swiped left to go to internet, his only addiction to check out if David was actually right and either way if David was right he would cry and if David was lying he would still cry because his emotions were out of the room and his sanity was seriously compromised. Phil started typing in Simon's name and there was already a Google suggestion that said "Simon Bolivar dead" and Phil already knew that unfortunately, this time David actually didn't lie.

And he was right.

Simon Bolivar (69) was found dead in his apartment due to unknown circumstances.

Could this article be anymore vague?

Phil wanted to throw his phone across this entire room but it was the only thing he actually had that cost more than the things he usually bought. He needed to take care of stuff he barely managed to have. Phil squeezed the phone tighter in an attempt to block the violent thoughts from his head which was unfortunately, not helping him as much as he wanted to.

The room was silent as hell if that was possible, not that Phil knew how hell sounded. The soap container was literally too close to the brink of the sink and in the next second it crashed on the floor with a loud bang that echoed throughout the entire bathroom.

Phil let out a sigh as the pieces of glass laid down calmly on the floor.

"Fuck you ghosts." Phil said, with an exasperated sigh. He looked once again at the pieces on the floor.

"If not, fuck you gravity." Phil added, his fingers wrapping around the bench he was sitting on.

There was a moment of silence that passed like there were no seconds at all when a voice emerged right behind Phil's back.

"Rude." The joking voice said that made Phil turn around to face the person who said it.

Phil's eyes were goggled and his staring was now redirected to this boy standing right at the doorway, his entrance unbelievably quiet and his stance casual and relaxed like he owns the place which he most definitely doesn't because who even owns this school, the country, the principle?

The boy made a few steps closer to Phil which gave Phil more material to look at. It was impossible not to notice how his appearance was so captivating, he looked like he belonged in a different place and not to say how his clothes were cool as shit, his short hair slightly covering his forehead but not too much, just enough for him to see everything.

Honestly, Phil couldn't stop his eyes from wondering.

This boy just looked so good, out of this world good. Phil had to admit that nobody at his school looked like this. They were all bland and they melted with the surrounding, sometimes they weren't even there for Phil, they were practically invisible. But this boy, well he couldn't pass by Phil without him noticing this strange, enchanting person.

"Cat got your tongue?" The boy spoke firmly and Phil had to shake his head to divert his intense gazing.

Phil just needed to look again but if he does he will probably only stare more intensely just like he did just some time ago. His gaze was directed towards one of the mirrors and he decided not to take his eyes off of it until this boy decided to leave.

It wasn't like this boy was a person he knew. After all, who even talks to strangers in empty bathrooms? That's like rude. Honestly, this was just an invasive attack on his personal space but he knew one girl who had a breakdown and all the other girls who were in the bathroom were also feeling bad so they had a breakdown together and later became friends. What can you say? It was finals week, after all.

"No, cat didn't get my tongue." Phil answered sharply as his eyes tried so hard not to show interest anymore but pure hostility over this boy who radiated happiness and intrigue.

He just had to look again.

Phil saw the boy leaned on the wall, all while looking casual as fuck in his monotonous movement that were basically just waiting for Phil to say that he can join him.

His entering in the bathroom was invasive even though Phil didn't hear him but his waiting and his position and stance was saying that he was obviously waiting for Phil to just say yes and for him to join in on Phil's suffering or whatever was it what he was doing.

Phil turned around, his face turned to the wall opposite of him, the corner of his eye catching Dan's interested glance that was focused in his direction.

"Your eyes look red, were you crying?" The boy shot a question, his eyes narrowing as he tried to see Phil's face from where he was standing.

Oh shit.

What was Phil supposed to do now? This fucker, whoever he was, saw that his eyes were fucking red as shit and literally, there was no way of him pulling out the bigger end in this situation.

So, what could he do?

He can tell the truth and only the truth.

Phil finally turned around to see this boy looking at him carefully with a bit of sadness to his face. He was so tired of people looking at him like he was someone who needed constant help and just like that this boy who was probably reading his mind, changed his face to a strict but an intrigued one.

That was a nice change, now Phil could say that at least once in his life someone didn't look like they were taking pity on him.

"Someone died." Phil said, the words rolling of his tongue as the whispered words left a massive affect on this boy who literally came running towards him.

The boy sat right next to him, his face literally showing pain just like it was his favorite singer who died. Phil was super confused, nobody ever came running this way, all worried and concerned for him.

"Who died? Are you okay?"

Phil rolled his eyes because he knew that his answer will make this boy only roll his eyes even harder.

"It's, well. It's a singer." Phil carefully said as his eyes moved over this boy's body until it reached the boys concerned face. There was something different about this boy's face, he didn't change it, he didn't roll his eyes, and he didn't mock Phil right after he said it. He looked concerned as hell just like someone would be if Phil said that some close relative died and not some dude who Phil never met.

"Your favorite, I presume?" The boy said, his hand creeping closer to Phil's and Phil dared his brain to stop freaking out, at least for once in his entire lifetime.

The boys hand luckily stayed right next to his knee and didn't move anymore closer as the boy didn't take his eyes off of Phil's face.

His staring was really intense.

Phil just nodded, a single tear streaming down his face as his sadness started to flow away slowly from the deepest pits of his soul.

"Before we continue our session I would like to know your name?" The boy said, his smile making Phil smile too.

"Our session?" Phil's voice broke as the word session came out of his mouth, his grinning now wider as this strange boy continued to ask strange questions.

"Yes. This is a session. I come to chill here. You can too and we can talk. I know how it feels when your favorite singer dies or well, your favorite artist." The boy added, as his serious face made a comeback.

The weather outside was even worse than before and for a second Phil wondered how wet he will get when he starts walking back home but that bubble of thoughts was blown as the boy lightly touched Phil's hand.

"What's your name?" The boy repeated again, his hand still lightly covering Phil's and Phil didn't feel comfortable enough to have some stranger put his hand over his, so he pulled out his hand and folded it into his lap with his other hand.

The boy's face flashed with discomfort for a second but then his face went back to normal. Phil hoped that he realized that he made him uncomfortable; he really hoped his actions showed this boy that there are certain limits that cannot be crossed.

For all Phil knows, this guy could be some serial killer. Even though, that'd be a little impossible. They were both students of a catholic school.

Phil churned his head over the fact that he never saw Dan in the halls but then again, he was in this school for four years and sometimes, he would forget the names of the people in the class next door so it wasn't a weird thing that he didn't see Dan before.

"It's Phil." He said, with a small smile.

"I am Dan." Dan answered to a question Phil never asked.

Dan raised his leg to the bench, his hand embracing it so it could stand tightly to his body as he turned to Phil with a playful smile.

"So, what brought you here? Except for crying?" Dan wiggled his eyebrows as Phil sighed. He recalled all the "bullying" he had to endure.

"Most of the guys in my class like to make fun of me." Phil answered, his body relaxed and his mind totally not caring that he just confessed that to a complete stranger. "And yes I know, it's not a big deal, but you know, they are just so boring. They've been rolling the same joke for years now."

Dan nodded and flicked his wrist just to let Phil know that he can continue talking. He was maybe too close to Phil and his elbow was right on his knee, his black washed out jeans crinkling at the corners as Dan basically wrapped himself into a small deformed ball.

"It's just... I don't really know. It's not like you want to listen to this." Phil complained as his eyes flicked towards Dan's face to see his expression and Dan pouted just in that way that said "you are full of shit, continue talking".

Dan clapped, his hands once again finding way to his lap as his inner thoughts whirled inside as the thoughts made their way out of his mouth.

"I am, for one, most definitely not annoyed with how you talk or the way you talk-"

"You are the only one then." Phil giggled as he said the obvious truth.

"Don't interrupt me. I am not done." Dan demandingly said, his finger pointing accusatory at Phil to which they both laughed.

"I've been through same things, so you shouldn't be afraid to speak up about these things."

Phil was about to complain because whenever he did complain to someone else, to someone who was a grown up, they just told him that that's a part of life and that "boys will be boys" which was a stupid statement.

"And by speak up, I meant speak with me. Because everyone else is going to turn a blind eye whenever you approach them with these so called problems." Dan added, his lips curving into a small smile that vanished just a second after it appeared.

"So called problems, ha?" Phil showed Dan slightly and Dan was basically so fucking clumsy he rolled to the floor that wasn't so clean.

Phil left the bench and crouched down next to the sprawled out Dan who apparently was enjoying being on the floor.

Wow, this guy was super weird.

Like weirder than Phil and that was an achievement of a special kind.

The bell rang so loudly and this bathroom was so echo-y that it was even louder here than in any other part of this awful school. Dan covered his ears and laughed way loudly than the bell and Phil joined him. After it stopped, Phil could already feel the stupid panic wrapping around his heart which could only mean one thing and one thing only and that was that he needed to get to class as fast as he can.

"Dan?" Phil said it like a question and not like he was just calling Dan's name. "Will I see you on Monday?"

Dan nodded; his face now sad and kind of miserable.

"This could be our spot." Dan added as Phil was already at the door, his entire body almost out of the room.

"Yeah, it could be. It can be." Phil confirmed Dan's words.

The light coming from the window shined all over Dan and Phil had to stop his breath just so he doesn't say something embarrassing or something that would make him look like even more of a clumsy person that he already was. The wood under Phil's fingers was harsh and a splinter could easily get under his skin just like this sad boy had who was sitting there casually, his face sad unlike the face he had at the beginning of their conversation.

"We can meet somewhere in town this weekend, if you have the time?" Phil asked hopefully, Dan's expression already telling him the answer.

"I can't," said Dan as the wind and rain ran down and out violently, the sound almost too loud for anyone's liking. "But I'll meet you here. Monday, same time or yeah, well lunch break. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Phil answered as his feet were already directing him to the way he needed to go. His mind empty and the sadness now gone as this boy made him forget all the troublesome thoughts he had in his mind.

His feet lead him down and over all the halls and there were still some kids in the hallway which was a comforting thought, he didn't want to enter the classroom when the teacher was already sitting behind their desks.

Phil could swear that he heard a whisper somewhere behind his back that said "I'll wait for you" in an ominous voice but he discarded it as a part of his imagination.

But should he have done that?

-

The first time i saw you were so shiny and new and you may be made of stars but your mind is a black hole. It sucks in all the happiness that I only just muster but fuck you, the only thing i need is to write your name and mind in blood over the school bathroom walls.

-


	2. They're not like tremors

"I knew I shouldn't have come here, why am I so stupid?" Phil chanted as his legs barely held him on the ground.

The house he was in front of wasn't his, but David's.

And to make it even more cliché, David was having a huge party going on.

Phil's hands were trembling and his eyes were burning just like that time he got shampoo in his eyes but that didn't matter because in a few seconds he was already standing in the hallway of David's house and there was no going back.

Few people already spotted him and giggled as they saw Phil, the outcast, one of a kind. He really needed to work on his social skills and go out more. He already started to regret the fact that he was here but there was one thing and one thing only that made him actually want to come here in the first place.

Firstly, it was the neighbor's next door who were shouting so loudly that Phil wasn't able to read his book in peace and secondly, he was really hoping he would see Dan here.

Yes, it was a bit pathetic, but maybe Dan belonged in this crowd, you never know. He had nice clothes, he was a little cocky and sophisticated and there was something about him that shouted "I AM A PRICK" but at the same time "I am really a normal and a kind person" so Phil wasn't sure what to conclude there.

Phil was really hoping that somebody will be able to tell him if they saw Dan or maybe if they hang out with him.

When Phil talked to Dan the first time and for now, the only time, it seemed like Dan was really compassionate and kind and somehow, who knows how, actually interested in what Phil was speaking, but then a second later, when Phil asked him to meet him over the weekend, he straight out denied which to be honest, made Phil mad.

Not too much, but a bit.

In other words, Phil decided to come here to see if his theory was right.

During this inner turmoil of thoughts, Phil decided to look around the house and check out if there's anything special about David's place besides the fact that it was fucking huge and so fucking posh. Literally, the wallpaper looked so damn posh, holy shit, how did David the Bully survive in here?

Not that Phil actually wanted to know.

He always wondered if these posh kids which were the popular clique in his beautiful school had to act all nice around their parents.

Phil couldn't stop himself from imagining a situation between his parents.

"David, sweetie, you need to eat your caviar." David's mom would say as she would dance around her only son like he was the biggest price she could have gotten in her entire miserable life.

David would stand up and knock over an expensive vase. "Mom!" David would shout. "Don't tell me what to do."

Phil had to stop himself from thinking of any other further scenarios because this one was all that he actually needed. His fingers brushed against the tapestry and for a second he thought about how would it look like if he lived here? How would he behave, would his parents be the same, would he be as horrible and uncultured as David?

Probably, but looking from this angle, he was having a better time than David.

There were people screaming from all directions and Phil's only question was how many complains do David's parents get whenever David think of having a house party.

Yet again, probably not a lot, they probably pay off the neighbor's to be silent or what not.

As Phil was about to reach the highest step in the stairway, he was stopped by no other than the owner of this house. Well, not exactly by the owner but by the kid of the people who owned it.

"PHIL! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU EXISTED!" David shouted, his spit coming out of his mouth as he talked.

Phil just took one step back as he saw David more intoxicated than ever, his breath stinking its way towards Phil's nostrils.

David's shirt was barely tucked in his jeans and Phil could only assume one thing that was confirmed one second later as Shirley walked out of presumably, David's bedroom, her hair looking like that one time in freshman year when she totally fucked up her hair with her straightener.

"Yeah, I exist." Phil added, his face making obvious grimaces, but David wasn't really able to see it. Phil wanted to add "sometimes", but he didn't want to fuel David's rage towards him even more.

David came running down the stairs to catch Phil who was so close to exiting the front door and leaving forever but this idiot managed to catch him before he did. Phil couldn't believe that David was able to do that even when he was drunk as fuck, somebody would consider Phil completely inept when they saw this situation but Phil could prescribe shock as an element of why he didn't manage to escape.

"Phil!" David shouted once again, his voice managing to echo through the house even though there were sounds all over the place. "You should stay. Have some fun for the first time in your entire life. You fucking twat." David giggled his way through the sentence that ended with a hiccup.

"I'd rather no-"Phil wanted to say as David literally held him in a clutch so there was no way for him to escape.

David let him go for a second, but he was still holding his arm really tightly, his fingers probably making deep bruises on Phil's arm.

"Just for one time, one time, dear Phil." David blubbered without making any sense. "Just connect with people. We should all love each other, you know. Violence is not the answer."

What the actual fuck, Phil thought.

David slapped his arm really hard that actually made Phil feel a pang from pain.

"You know what?" David actually directed that question at Phil.

"I probably don't and I have a feeling you will tell me." Phil answered sharply which David didn't take as a bad thing which for Phil was a good thing. He didn't want to be punched again, even if it was out of a joke.

"We need-"David pointed his finger at Phil and himself, "need to find you a girlfriend."

Phil literally froze in place, David was trying to push him towards another room but Phil was literally so dug into the floor, it was almost impossible to make him move.

David eyed him verily, his eyes going wide as he slapped Phil's arm one more time. "Oh yeah, I forgot." David said, as his finger managed to actually bop Phil's nose even though his drunken state should only give him the strength to sleep on the floor. "We need to find you a boyfriend."

Phil literally wanted to spit in David's ugly face but before he actually managed to say anything or do anything, David started talking again.

"Logically, we can't find you anyone here. Everyone is not sick here and nobody is a little fa-"

"Don't", Phil interjected, David's face showing mock. "Don't say it. Be a decent person at least once in your entire lifetime." Phil tore away from David and continued to walk around the house without its owner constantly shitting about his indecent feelings.

Phil really hated the popular kids. It wasn't their fault but he was allowed to hate them. He knew that Jesus said that you should forgive anyone and he was really trying but it was so damn hard to forgive assholes like David and like any kid that did him unnecessary harm in his entire short time of life.

It was unbelievable sad to see these kids wasting away their life and Phil knew all too well, that yes, it was their way of living and they will be fine but he heard so many bad stories about grownups, about kids who used to hang out with his parents and now they were in rehab trying to get their life together, trying to get at least some bit of their life back.

He didn't want to be those kids. Those kids who waste away their life by drinking or doing drugs, Phil wants to do something that will change the world or something more modest, something that would make him feel whole and something that would change the way he feels about himself.

Firstly, in order to conquer the world, you need to learn to love yourself.

Phil failed step one.

Unlike others, Phil should actually consider himself to be on a good path. Even though his head was constantly telling him that he wasn't.

He wasn't the one who was doing a line of the coffee table in David's bedroom.

Catholic kids, right?

Do a line for Jesus, fucking hell.

His search still wasn't over. This house was fucking huge and there was still no sight of Dan. Phil wanted to ask someone but they all seemed so occupied with doing lines of the table, drinking and lying on the floor or making out with your worst enemy in the dark shadows of the corners in the living room.

Teenagers were like another sort of people, they were rage and peace mixed together to create this wonderful being that was so out of control.

In one second, an individual teenager will be screaming "DICK" across the bus to which all the older people will roll their eyes and in the second they will be discussing something super serious. Now wonder, older people are so annoyed with younger people and kids in general. Sometimes, teenagers and preteens were very unpredictable.

The more you get older, the more you get pissed off at the world and then you take it out on people who still don't understand how much the world is actually pure shit.

Phil once promised himself that he would never do that.

He was already starting to break that promise and he was only eighteen.

What will happen when he grows even older?

There was a group of girls just standing there in the corner while eyeing out the people present in the room. Phil knew that as 'the local gossip tellers' but all in all they weren't so bad and if there was someone who knew everybody, they were definitely that.

Phil wasn't really sure whether he should approach them or not because to be quite fair, he was terrified of them, even more than the guys in the class who made his life a lot harder than it was supposed to be.

There was a table with drinks right next to him, opposite the wall with bottles scattered everywhere and even though Phil was against drinking and everybody made fun of him for being a straight edge, he still decided to take a shot and his hands were sweaty and he was barely holding the cup but his mind was forcing him to take it as fast as he can.

And so he did.

Whatever he took was disgusting as hell and it made its way down his throat and through his trachea all the way to his stomach while leaving acidy taste through his entire body. Phil felt like he just infected his entire body with this shit and the cough that he was holding was so close but he decided to hold it in.

Phil didn't know he was walking towards the group of girls until one of them voiced her dislike towards 'people like Phil' when he approached too close to them.

"I need your help." Phil said; his vision already blurry. It was unbelievable how much did it take for him to get drunk. His level of getting drunk was so low, Phil was sometimes so embarrassed by it but then he remembered that oh well, he didn't care.

The girls turned around and it looked so terrifying, it was almost as if they were all robots and when one turns around, they all do.

Luckily, Phil already said he needed help so it was easier for him to continue talking after the "Girl Robot Machine" has diverted their attention to him.

"What do you need?" One of the girls said in a really bored, monotonous voice like her life is being shortened as Phil actually dared to waste her fucking time.

Phil shifted from his foot to another due to nervousness and due to the eyes that were watching his every step. There were only four or five of girls there but it seemed like there were so much more.

Or maybe Phil felt like that due to his anxiety?

Phil forgot how anxious people made him.

"I am looking for a person." Phil said in a trembling voice. "His name is Dan."

The girl raised her eyebrow, her face expressing amusement by Phil's lack of knowledge.

"There are a lot of Dan's in school, Phil." The girl whispered, the corners of her lips curling in a vicious smirk.

Phil wanted to give up and turn away but the girl stopped him with a question.

"What does he look like?"

Phil had to choose his words carefully not to give away the fact that he is looking for a person he barely knows. The girls were eying him really carefully and he could swear they already knew something about it or about him because their looks were super suspicious.

"Well, he is tall. Taller than me, I think maybe a foot taller. He was dressed in all black last time I saw him. He has black, short hair and yeah, I don't know what else to say." Phil finished, his eyes warily going from one girl to another as they communicated with their minds apparently?

Literally, one girl turned around, the one that was speaking to the others and they just exchanged looks and one of them nodded and apparently the mind reading conference was done.

"Yeah, I think I saw someone like that passing the road and going to the house that is next door, you see that one?" The girl pointed her finger at the window and truly there was an ugly, old house that looked like it was about to collapse any second.

Phil looked out of the window and looked back at the girls who had faces of stone. They didn't move, they just waited to see what Phil was about to do.

"Seriously?" Phil raised his eyebrow, his fingers twitchy once again as his vision got better and the alcohol in his body started to vapor away through sweat.

The girls just shrugged at the same time. It was so creepy. Phil knew there was something that was out of the ordinary here but these girls were usually the ones that he didn't mind in school. They actually weren't that mean or rude to other people. They were just one of those people that hanged around with only the people in their group and if for one second, you decided to leave the group, you may as well not speak to them ever again.

Don't ever try to contact them ever again, because it's just not worth it.

Sometimes Phil would imagine them as a girl gang, like a smaller group that belonged in a famous mafia of sorts and honestly, the times when Phil would do that were the only times he actually smiled in school.

He was that pathetic, yes why would that be weird?

"Yeah. Seriously" You should try, at least. It's not like you gave me much details. Like what's his last name? Is he your boyfriend? You know you can tell us."

Yeah, right, like I am going to say that to a group of the biggest blabbers in the entire school and probably country.

"Not my boyfriend. Just a friend." Phil answered sharply, his teeth grinding against each other.

The girl that's been speaking with him this entire time puckered his lips in an 'I don't believe you' way.

"If he's your friend then why don't you just call him?" the girl added, the girls around her nodding along.

Because I don't have his fucking number, Phil thought.

Phil decided to put his fate in their hands and without further chatting he left the room and then the house and then he was in the middle of the street in front of the most haunted house and of course, he was already one step away from entering it and if this was a horror movie, he knew he'd be dead but now, this was still real life but yet, he was a stupid white person, so there was about seventy percent chance he will die from something paranormal and the other twenty nine from just dropping into some basement because the floor is not really secure to walk over.

He was saving that one percent for something.

Every step he took echoed; the walls were ugly and stripped and peeled away of its personality. The parquet was probably not there anymore and there was just the cold cement that radiated so much that Phil's legs were already having a feeling like they were frozen. Every object in the house looked threatening due to the lack of light, every object looked like it was about to turn into a monster and attack him.

Everything that made a sound in this house sent Phil reeling back, his legs shaking and making him do a few steps back.

This was not a good idea.

This is how people die in horror movies.

If he dies here, Phil just wants to have a normal funeral and just a few people are invited on his send out, also somebody please delete his browsing history.

There was nothing scandalous on it, no porn or anything like that.

The only thing was that his last search was how to spell 'brave' and he can't risk someone seeing it.

Phil made a few steps back and he could have sworn that he saw someone walking there and a second later, he could have sworn there was nothing at all. There wasn't really much place to hide. If this house had any furniture in the past, it was definitely minimalistic and you can't hide behind minimalistic furniture.

The only problem was that there were so many rooms and anybody could hide in any of those. Phil looked back to David's house and he realized this was a trap.

Everyone was outside and the girls that sent him here were literally stuck to the window as they waited for the grand show. Phil took a deep breath, his exhale coming out desultory. He needed to find a way out without giving these fuckers the pleasure of seeing Phil scared or who knows maybe even killed?

It wouldn't be the first time catholic kids did something as stupid as that.

There was a tiny white light coming from the end of the house and Phil wasn't able to decipher what it really was and by the arrangement of the rooms of the house, Phil concluded that it was coming from the kitchen and now, the only question was what to do? Should he run? Should he stay? Should he go to the room that he predicted to be the kitchen?

The white light was still there and every once in a while it would move which meant there was a person there. It also meant that one way out was blocked which wasn't good.

All these houses looked pretty much the same, they always had a back door in the kitchen and that was the only way out for Phil.

The white light was still there, moving slightly every once in a while.

He could have sworn he heard a quiet giggle coming from somewhere in this house but it didn't matter and it was impossible to figure out where it came from because everything fucking echoed.

Fuck this shit and fuck this haunted house and fuck mean people.

Honestly, what was Phil even doing? He will just make a run for it and open the door and get lost in the night and go home and read his fucking books.

He didn't even realize he was moving until he got to the kitchen and felt the knob under his hand which leads to his freedom. The white light was now closer than ever and Phil figured out that it was someone holding it. But that someone wasn't really awake.

It was David and he was asleep.

Phil wanted to laugh really loudly but maybe David would hear him and wake up, so he decided against that.

The white light was coming from his phone and the phone was filming right at this second.

So basically, what they wanted do was to scare Phil and then post it on all social media they knew about.

Fucking fuckers, why did Phil think that they were any better?

The camera was now filming the empty room and Phil stood there, his breath as shallow as it can get.

They still had enough material to make fun of him, so Phil quietly crouched down to where David has so elegantly collapsed and took his phone from him, ended the video and deleted it.

There, perfect now.

Phil carefully opened the door and stepped into the dark. There was absolutely no one there.

This couldn't get any more perfect.

Phil started running and the fire in his lungs fired up and he couldn't believe how much good it felt to just run and run until your legs gave out.

His legs did give out after a really short time.

Phil didn't find Dan but that didn't matter because he still had one place where he could see him for sure.

He managed to divert a major catastrophe tonight and he was pretty satisfied with his success. Phil should do this more often or maybe not; this did almost cost him a panic attack.

Sometimes, or always it was just better to roll through life safely while taking the right turns.

But when it came to Dan, Phil had a feeling there won't be going safely with him.

He felt like a mysterious challenge and Phil decided to solve him completely

-

If you heard these abstract thoughts you'd look for a way out too, so i count the scars on my arm like they're some messed up work of art, because that's all life is in the end, aimlessly looking for thicker paint to cover the mess which we create.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my dudes
> 
> second chapter nicenice
> 
> votes and comments are awesome, pls dothat. i love when you guys comment!!!
> 
> i know there's a lack of dan in this chapter but don't worry, he'll be there in the next one


	3. If you are my Winona, i'll be your Christian Slater

"Oh, man!" Dan exclaimed while laughing, his hand covering his mouth. "You know the first rule of The Loser Club? Never go to huge parties, you'll get set up, for sure." Dan stopped, the corners of his lips plastered tightly as he found Phil's misfortune cute and totally laughable.

Phil found Dan in the same bathroom while lunch break on a stupid, awful Monday. He was wearing the same clothes, but there was something different about him that Dan couldn't put his finger on. His smile was there, even brighter now that Phil came here.

When Phil first walked in, Dan showed up right behind the corner and flashed Phil the brightest smile he could've mustered like he thought that Phil wouldn't show up.

Phil was laughing too, but not because his misery was funny but because he was simply miserable.

Dan stopped giggling for a second and his attention was brought back to Phil who was casually sitting on that worn out wooden bench they had in this toilet. Phil couldn't help but gnaw on his bottom lip as he looked at Dan who was leaning against the wall, his shoulder lightly touching the cold tiles.

Phil didn't know why he was paying so much attention to what Dan was doing and what his fingers were doing and when his eyelashes fluttered and all of those little things nobody really paid attention to unless they were-

"There are other rules too." Dan added, his words intriguing Phil.

"Like what?" Phil searched for an explanation, his eyebrow slightly lifted as he saw Dan thinking about possible answers in his head.

"Don't fuck around with them. Not for a second. Never. Got it, Phil?" Dan said rather sharply to which Phil just nodded and added "yeah, I get it."

"Also, don't fuck anyone's parents." Dan said, his disgusted face throwing Phil off balance and making him laugh out loud.

"Because it's firstly, gross and secondly, probably illegal and most definitely absolutely disgusting." His words echoed through the room, taking much of a serious note as it came to an end.

Phil knew Dan was joking, well mostly only partly, but this actually made Phil wonder what laid beneath that perfect skin of his.

Was it an accident of a kind? Was it just the way he was brought? Was it just the way Dan was?

Whatever it was, Phil wanted to know and fast but his bonding skills were most definitely not on its peek so he had to gather some patience and wait for Dan to spill his guts.

Not literally, because that'd be disgusting and kind of fatal for Dan.

"Also, don't fuck any janitors. " Dan clicked his tongue, his face showing Phil that he was joking because what the hell? This was getting seriously disturbing but Phil laughed it off, that's the only thing he was able to do, really.

Phil was still laughing, his mouth already hurting out of the action he didn't do as much, especially not here in school. He wondered how much pain he has caused himself by frowning all the time while he was here in school and his conclusions was well – not good.

"What? " Phil asked, the crinkles around his eyes practically cut into the skin around his eyes.

"I am just playing with you. Chill. "Dan said with certain ease in his voice.

He looked so casual while talking, while motioning something with his hands and Phil had to stop and wonder how those hands could be so elegant and harsh at the same time. His fingers had a few tiny scars just like all people have but Phil just couldn't stop staring.

There was just something about the way the light hit the back of Dan's head and sometimes Phil really wasn't able to see his face but he could see his smile and that was the only thing he needed.

It was such a simple thing but it brought Phil so much comfort, so much warmth in his heart.

It would be a weird thing if Phil didn't pay attention to the details because Dan was so unconventional and he intrigued him so much, his skin was pale just like Phil's and he found his skin tone to be so boring and bland and totally similar to everyone else's yet Dan's was so amazing and so unbelievably beautiful even though it was practically the same.

Or maybe Phil was making Dan to be a saint of everything he could imagine and he had absolutely no reason for that. They barely knew each other. The thing that attracted Phil to Dan was the fact that he was so nice and all the other guys in his class were just plain rude and awful.

Dan was something so extraordinary, something, and someone so out of this world.

"So, what happened next or well, what else happened? " Dan continued, his eyes casting soft glances in Phil's direction but at the same time probing him with his dashing brown eyes.

Phil was talking about what happened at the party and Dan shared his experience from the most definitely made out "Loser Club" and he was certainly intrigued what had happened to Phil there like he didn't hear it from literally anyone else from school.

Everybody was talking about it. About how Phil Lester, the invisible boy has managed to escape without anyone noticing and honestly, Phil was enjoying this new title the people, the kids who have to attend this institution have awarded him with.

"Well, besides that, not much." Phil said with an exhale, his nose scrunching up when he sensed the horrible stench in the bathroom. "I stayed away from everyone, mostly. David managed to grab me before he well, feel asleep and he called me a-" Phil hesitated, his eyes casting a wary glance to Dan and Dan spoke harshly right after.

"A what? "His words were strong and they echoed more than any other word he has ever said, it was obvious that he was really angry.

"Nothing." Phil murmured, his words causing a reaction and Dan stepped back, his own words also making him pull back and rethink.

"If you say so." Dan bit his bottom lip, he narrowed his eyes and finally his smile came back as he let it go.

Luckily, Dan didn't probe with any other questions and for that Phil was grateful. Sometimes, it seemed like Dan had so much rage inside him and Phil couldn't really figure out where all of that was coming from. The face he would make would make feel Phil uneasy and the dark that would pass his face would last only for a few second, but Phil noticed. Phil noticed everything.

Dan had something dark inside him that made him so mad and Phil was only waiting the day it will all abrupt out. He just hoped he won't get dragged away by the storm.

"What's your last name? " Phil remembered the conversation he had with that one girl before he almost got set up by David and the rest of his golden crew. He didn't know his last name and he didn't even know his age and that was like the most basic thing you should know about people.

It was a big school and Phil was so lost in his own world, he didn't really notice who was there and who attended this school.

So, maybe, just maybe, it was logical that he didn't know who Dan was.

"What's yours? " Dan threw the response back just like they were playing table tennis and Phil realized he really needed to step up his game if he wanted to get anything out of Dan.

Dan had a playful smirk on his lips and Phil couldn't help but bow his head a bit so he could bit back the huge grin that was about to come on his lips. It was unbelievable what Dan was able to do to Phil and it was so irrational because they knew each other for a few days now and it was actually sad that Phil could be so easily influenced by someone. It was sad because Phil managed to attach himself to someone after they showed a bit of kindness to them in just one meeting.

He was like that, he couldn't change it.

Dan showed a bit of kindness and Phil already considered him a friend. The rest of the world was really cruel to him when he couldn't find friends in all these years of his high school career.

Nobody was ever kind, no one.

"Oh, wow. You won't answer anything without me saying it first. You're tough to play with. " Phil laughed it off, his voice breaking every once in a while.

Dan came closer on the bench to Phil, his irises now more visible to Phil's eyes, the shape of his eyes looking mean but at the same time playful which could be a deadly thing for Phil.

"You've seen nothing, Phil." Dan smiled wider, his smile wider than the one of Cheshire cat's. "I keep my aces in my sleeves and my cards away from the table."

Dan finished, his tongue going over his teeth, his smirk still there and Phil had to admit that was really impressive. He was so dumb folded; it took him a few seconds, maybe ten to recollect himself.

"Did you practice that line or did you just roll that out like nothing at all and go around being perfect and all." Phil said in a joking tone, the last part not really being a lie.

"I practiced it." Dan answered; his tone now serious but his smile still there.

Phil couldn't stop laughing, this conversation was so casual yet he felt like in any given second Dan was about to shoot him, and in the same time he felt like he was about to be put to sleep.

This had to be the weirdest combination of feelings Phil has ever felt.

"I knew it." Phil said, the truth coming out of his mouth, those lines were too good to be said just out of the blue.

Dan's smile vanished and it was replaced with a face of regret like the things he has said somehow made him feel guilty.

"Howell," said Dan unexpectedly after Phil already gave up on Dan telling him his last name.

"What? "

"Last name Howell. " Dan added to his previous short statement.

"Lester. " Phil contributed; his soul finally content as he finally started to get something out of Dan, after all.

Finally, Dan has said something without Dan nudging him to do so for like years.

Dan was a difficult person but he was so kind and it seemed like he was so pure, it almost made his heart stopped. Phil had the history of being wrong about these things and he really hoped he wasn't wrong this time.

"Dan Howell and Phil Lester. We would make a good name for a duo. "Dan jerked back, his tallness making him clumsy and almost making him knock himself over the bench.

"We can go fight crimes." The both of them nodded in the same time, their lips making approving sounds.

"Or we can go and do crimes. " Dan said in a menacing voice, his fingers snapping and then making weird things as if he was Jack Skellington and this was not a Catholic school but Halloweentown.

"Don't go full Heathers on me. I ain't got time for that. "Phil jokingly answered, his words hanging in the air as he waited for an answer.

Dan just smiled, his lips parted slightly. "If you are my Winona, I'll be your Christian Slater. "

That threw Phil laughing really hard, his head almost banging the wall they were leaned on as Dan took every move Phil made and looked at him intensely.

"No, but really. What do you have time for, if not for crimes? "Dan added the last part, his hands wrapping around Phil's knees a bit.

The touch itself was so soft and gentle and almost like it wasn't even there, but Phil felt the fire lit up in his heart and soul. Dan was looking at him through his eyelashes and Phil had to grab onto everything he had in his being to recollect himself. This was hard and Phil didn't have the strength to even deny it. Dan was waiting for an answer and Phil chickened out big time, he just really hoped it wasn't that visible.

Phil tried to think about it long and hard but Dan's hands were still there and they weren't moving anywhere else. His fingers started to tap lightly against the skin on his knee. Every single bump Dan made with one of his fingers was like a bomb dropping in his chest and exploding really, really slowly.

"I don't know what you mean." Phil answered truthfully, his hands going over to Dan's hands and slightly lifting them as he couldn't suffer the chest pain he was having over this totally irrelevant thing.

It was only a touch.

Only a touch.

Why was Phil freaking out then?

"I-" Dan started, the beginning of his sentence cut off by a sound.

The bell rang and for some reason Phil felt so much freer than before. Saved by the bell, Phil thought. Dan stood up and so did Phil. For some reason, Phil didn't really know what to do and his fingers were so sweaty and clammy. Dan raised his eyebrow, so obviously amused by Phil's confusion. He stepped closer and Phil opened his mouth as if he was about to protest, but the words were left somewhere deep inside his being and he wasn't able to pull them out of there.

"See you tomorrow, i guess." Phil added nervously, his feet restless as the second passed and the anxiety settled back in. 

Phil wasn't really aware what he was doing so he just stepped closer and wraped his hands and arms around Dan, to which Dan made a weird shuffling noise but nonetheless, accepted Phil's embrace and leaned in closer.

Dan was taken back for sure and it seemed like he didn't know why either. The two shared an awkward glance while still being in a hug and they most immediately disconnected from each other. The both of them totally uncomfortable.

Dan giggled slightly, his nervousness breaking out and Phil looked up to see Dan's reaction which was a blissful thing, to be completely honest. He was calm and settled and the thing that was the most important, he did not mind.

From now on, Phil decided to hug him in every occasion.

"See you tomorrow." Dan bit his bottom lip again, his face calm and all that hidden anger gone but probably buried away even further this time.

Phil started to walk away and he cast another glance at Dan who turned around and wrapped himself around in a hug, just there where Phil wrapped his hands around and where their skin touched. Phil couldn't help it, but he smiled wider than ever before and that eased his soul a bit.

The light cast shadows on Dan's face but he seemed to enjoy being in the dark, but Phil has walked away too far to conclude anything more.

-

Chemistry class was next and Phil didn't want to be late. It was Monday and the teacher was really fond of him because he never cheated and he didn't want to get her to think of him as someone who doesn't want to be in her class.

He could see her walking behind him and Phil evidently relaxed as his fate was safe now. He should really take his phone with him when he goes to the toilet to talk to Dan, so that he can tell what time it is.

The hallways were full of freshman's and Phil had to sigh, he just had to. They were running around like crazy and like they were flies. It was like a mad concert while the Wiggles played death metal. Imagine that.

Luckily, they moved as Phil passed by them, they knew he was older than them but they didn't really know who he was and he was more than grateful for that. David was standing right outside the classroom and his hands were folded over his chest. He looked angry and sad at the same time and Phil decided to slither through and hopefully, not talk to him.

Phil was getting closer and David was looking right at him, there was no way that Phil would get unnoticed or well, not talked to.

The door was so, so close and Phil was about to go inside when David flashed him a tired smile.

What the hell was that for?

Phil just looked at him weirdly and ran inside before anyone else does anything out of the ordinary today.

That smile David has offered him was actually not a mean one. So this either meant two things, they were planning something worse because Phil managed to run away from there on that party or this was just David being nice for the first time in his life. His seat was luckily not occupied by anyone else and he hurried up to where he was sitting. His hands were still slightly shaking and he just hoped nobody was able to see it like he was able to.

Phil's twitching hands weren't helping in doing his job faster so it took him some time to get to his phone. He rummaged through his entire bag and it wasn't there. The seed of suspicion was already cast and he would be seriously upset and mad if someone took it out of a joke. It wouldn't be the first time someone did that.

Fortunately, his jacket that was hung on the chair had too many pockets and one of them had his phone inside.

His hands wrapped the phone around as he slided to unlock it. Phil didn't really know why he had it in his hands but there was something he wanted to check out, he just wasn't sure what it was.

Then he recalled it.

He went to Facebook.

Yes, Facebook. Even though he hated it. But who didn't, eh?

The stupid blue white social media page opened up and he saw that „five years back he made a cringy post that he most definitely doesn't want to see or share with his „friends"".

Phil went to Search and typed in "Dan Howell."

The names came out and the only thing that came up was a profile of an old dude who lives in the States, and posts pictures of his dogs and cats which honestly, Phil could relate.

But Dan was nowhere to be found and Phil wouldn't mind that unless the fact that literally everyone had Facebook. Everyone had it but everyone hated it. But the facts were there, everyone had it.

So why didn't Dan have it?

Phil was suddenly really sad, he was really hoping to see all the horrible pictures Dan has probably posted when he made it. There was always something cringe worthy that could be found when you dig through someone's profile.

Phil put the phone back in his pocket, this time burying it in his mind where he put it so he doesn't forget like he did just a few minutes ago.

His mind flashed back to Dan's hands and how they hugged and he couldn't help but touch his chest as he remembered how Dan's skin felt against his, the cold skin brushing against his warm skin. Phil felt Dan's collarbones for a second and how the jugged out when they hugged. Also, Phil would never confess that but he inhaled sharply when he hugged Dan and somehow he smelled like hot chocolate which was such a blissful thing to smell like. Phil probably smelled like misery and nothing other than that.

When they stepped from each other, Dan still lightly held his hands around Phil's waist and if Phil was a good painter, he would paint that moment and stare at it for ever and ever until he starts to hate it. He had a feeling he could never hate it.

Dan's brown eyes looked into his for that one moment and Phil couldn't help but ask himself if Dan felt the same way about him. Where they friends? Or was Dan just talking to him out of compassion and maybe, guilt?

He had to figure that out on his own when time comes.

But until then, he needs to wait for another twenty four hours until he continues to figure Dan out, the one and only mystery in his life.

The weather outside was awful as usual and the sky had turned into an iron grey color, the clouds were practically nonexistent, the sun was not visible and the atmosphere was chilly and cold, unlike Phil's heart.

-

If made up words mean that stories aren't good then my poems are terrible because i made up your name -i see you in a different light I hope you see me that way too.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hola dudes.
> 
> third chapter in, nicenice.
> 
> i wrote 3.5k i think that's enough for a chapter. aye.
> 
> votes and comments are the shit.
> 
> pls do that.
> 
> also pls tell me if you liked the fluff!!
> 
> also question,
> 
> would you guys like it if i wrote an apocaypse phan au??


	4. Start talking

"I swear to god, if you don't give it to me, I will kill you." Dan threatened, his voice resembling a roar more than a human voice. His stance was scary, his voice was edged with suspicion and caution and his eyes were as if thousand blades carved them out.

He looked like he was about to take out his dagger or a sword and penetrate anyone that dares to come close. Most of all, his tongue was sharp and venomous as of a snake and all the things that created him were not there anymore.

"I don't know where it is, please." She said, her voice trembling like Dan was actually intending to kill her. Her hand was merely an inch from his and when she tried to touch him, Dan grabbed her by the wrist and held her tightly, the shock coming out of her mouth in a form of a yelp.

"I really don't, Dan, please. Leave me alone." Tears started to roll down her cheeks and Dan finally let her go. Unfortunately for her, he didn't go far. He stayed really close and the following words that came were said in a hushed tone, coming out of his mouth in a whisper.

Anybody standing close by couldn't hear it. Only the two of them were able to and the look on her face was a picture of disgust and fear yet Dan just smirked maliciously and not how he smirks to Phil, his smirk usually only there to make fun of something. This was different. This looked dangerous and whoever was able to see it could say that whatever was going on wasn't for everyone to hear and it wasn't for people to understand.

Dan was serious and his face was like of stone, unlike her face, which was a perfect picture of dread.

He left her sight, his legs dragging along as the room fell into another silence until sophomores entered her classroom and Miss Fitz was doomed to teach another class with her head in terror and her body in freight of what might happen next.

Luckily, for anyone, there was another person witnessing it.

Someone who was also petrified, but was also blind enough to think of lies to tell to themselves as they saw Dan's behavior, someone who unfortunately had a soft spot for the boy.

Phil Lester was standing in the hall, right behind a wall, right outside of the religion classroom. He couldn't believe it and yet, he was already making out the lies he could think of to explain Dan's irrational behavior to himself.

The halls were filled with kids and yet, Phil felt so utterly alone and so fucking lied to.

Did every person lie to him in his entire life or was it just the people he cared so much about?

-

Phil couldn't concentrate.

After all, how could he, when there was a boy he had a liking of and he threatened his religion teacher like she's done something absolutely horrible to him. He couldn't believe his eyes or his ears and everything that's been said was something he wanted to forget. Unfortunately, his mind remembered all of the things he did and the entire mistakes he's done and this thing wasn't going to vapor away like tiny particles of dust in a summer day.

No, this was serious and even though, he didn't feel like he could be ever seriously injured by Dan, he still felt scared.

The ravening in his mind was beginning and this time, he promised himself to let it all flow just like the tiny droplets of rain on the window sill. Phil didn't know Dan very well and this could be a big mistake. Maybe, Dan just had some quarrels with Miss Fitz that could be totally explained. Unlike like in some American movies, Phil decided to not listen to their advices and run away like they did only to later discover it was merely just a mistake.

He will wait it all out and talk to Dan in person, just like they always do. Phil wasn't the one to act like a trampoline and jump to conclusion, so his mind was at rest, at least for now. Religion class was next and the tiny worm inside his head told him "Phil, open your eyes and listen, seek out the truth".

And he would be damned if he didn't listen to it.

Miss Fitz entered the class exactly when the bell rang and the entire class stood up when they saw her. It was a catholic thing and Phil wasn't sure if other schools also had to stand up when the teacher came in but Phil considered it a nice thing. Religion class was usually filled with hate talk other than saying how Jesus loves his children and Phil minded that very much because he believed in God and Jesus and all of those guys, (he also believed in magic and some superstitions, but don't tell that to anyone) but he didn't believe in a place where people hate other people.

Church was dumb as fuck and Phil wasn't having any of it.

He hated the church and he hated the dogma and he will continue to do so until he dies and meets his maker.

That was a bit dramatic, but true nonetheless.

Miss Fitz was one taught block of hatred and she definitely wouldn't care to even listen to Phil's opinions on the church. On the other hand, Phil would be mad if he said anything negative about the Church or the Christianity while being surrounded with so many brainwashed people.

God asked Saint Peter or one of his fellas to build him a church and Peter built a normal building made of rocks of whatever material he had at the time and then God tore the whole building down and said "I wanted you to build me a community, not a building," or something like that. Phil didn't really know, he wasn't God's biggest homie.

But to make a point, everything that church ever did was to build buildings and then brainwash people about the things that they weren't even sure about themselves.

Phil was tired and he wanted to escape this place as soon as possible.

College was so close, yet so far away.

Miss Fitz sat down at the table and started writing down who's missing until she thoroughly examined the class if someone was lying. This happened quite a lot. Thou shall not lie didn't work for some people apparently.

She opened up a presentation about some saint and Phil could already feel how it was time to fall asleep, but not for real because that would get him in trouble, just to doze off as she blabs on and on about the good deeds this irrelevant dude did for us, kids, catholic and people of the world we should probably hate.

Miss Fitz was one of the younger teachers and she recently arrived from college. Most of the guys in class tried to bother her because she was young and she looked kind of good, but she was made of stone.

Most of time.

Phil's belief was changed when he saw her break under the tough and threatening look of Dan Howell. He didn't know how someone like Dan could even threaten her but that was irrelevant now.

She was tough and she did not break when it came to everyone else other than Dan.

The class started discussing something and then at one point Phil heard something that he most definitely didn't want to hear.

"Hah, women are not people, so who cares about their opinion?" Someone cracked a "joke", and the guys shared a mutual laugh as Miss Fitz turned her back to the board and her face to the class. She raised her eyebrow and stared at Brian who made the disgusting sexist "joke". Miss Fitz smirked and eyed out the female part of the class and said, "do you girls have anything to say to this thing Brian has dared to say?"

The girls looked around and none of them said anything.

Absolutely nothing.

The few girls looked absolutely angry and the other just waved their hand like Brian was just making a joke.

Nice sense of humor, asshole.

Brian has had his outrage of hatred towards women in the past and this definitely did not make anyone surprised. Phil remembered that one time Brian posted one meme on Facebook, yes Facebook, what could Brian use other than that and it said "would a dishwasher wear their jeans like this or this?" and the picture below was an actual dishwasher with jeans which was quite funny actually, but the thing next to it was just a generic photo of a random woman in jeans smiling.

Phil was so pissed off and not just that, Brian also wrote a beautiful caption to it.

"Say yes to feminism!!!!!!!!!"

Phil was now boiling with rage and he found himself speaking before he had the chance to shut up and reconsider it his actions.

"Brian, I see your hatred towards women is truly a peculiar thing." Phil wrapped his fingers together, his eyes casting malicious glances towards Brian and anyone that was nearby. "Have you ever considered that maybe your hatred towards women is a way of you hiding your affection towards men?"

Brian was about to explode, his fist were drawn close to his body and Phil knew that this would get him in trouble but he just couldn't stop.

"Don't worry, Brian. Homosexuality is, according to the Church a sickness and a disease and you know what people do with sicknesses? We treat them. So you can pop up to our Father and maybe ask him for an exorcism or two." Phil finished, his cheeks red and his mouth stiff as he saw the inner turmoil and rage start to appear on the surface of Brian's face.

"Also, Brian, no need to worry, this is a catholic institution, you will be forgiven for your sins, right Miss Fitz?" Phil said with certain bitterness to his voice.

Miss Fitz had a smile on her face but her eyes were showing fear that Phil saw before when she spoke with Dan and Phil just knew there was something else, there was something hidden under the surface and Phil had to find out what it was.

Brian was so red, his face looked like some dumped boiling water in it and David, who was sitting next to him, moved slightly closer to the window before he literally started screaming from laughter.

And the whole fucking class joined in.

Miss Fitz had a smile on her face and she was hard to impress, so Phil counted this as a success.

On the other hand, Brian looked murderous and Phil knew that in that moment, he truly messed shit up, this time, for real.

Everybody was still laughing and Phil could swear that he heard someone scream out "Phil, what a lad." And that was literally the last thing he heard before the tuned out to his world where nobody could touch him.

In four years of sitting with these kids, this was the first time he received validation in any form.

He wasn't really sure he wanted validation in this way. Phil wasn't able to change what happened, so he let it go and he hoped that everyone else will too.

-

Lachesism is a desire to be struck by a disaster. Whether you want to survive a plane crash or have your house completely engulfed in fire, that's merely up to you. Phil on the other hand, wanted to be struck by the largest comet the universe was able to provide and just take him out for good and forever.

This desire appeared when he left the religion class and every single bloody person looked at him like he was the biggest superstar in the world. The feeling was awful and Phil didn't know what to do with himself, or how to behave or even how to walk around without being pointed at or even laughed at.

So this was what being famous looked like. To be completely and utterly honest, Phil didn't like it one bit. He had to admit that on some lonely nights (which was every night), he would imagine himself as a rock star or as a famous writer; he would imagine people coming up to him to ask him for a photo or his signature. Phil would imagine being on talk shows and talking to his favorite hosts about the things he's done.

All of this happening right now was on a small scale but it sure did feel like it.

The thing that Phil stubbornly refused to acknowledge is that people make fun of you when you are famous, like all the damn time. And most of those people are jealous at one's success but it still hurts.

And as he walked down the mostly empty halls, he could feel the void in his heart turning into an acid liquid. Phil felt like throwing up. His words and the things he has said has affected his status in this school and there would have to be something else completely scandalous to happen so that people forget about Phil.

His first and only mission now was to be forgotten.

Brian was the person who was ashamed now and Phil could see him walking down the halls of their school with his head bowed down like there was a scarlet letter on his chest and not just a situation where an irrelevant boy made fun of him.

He should be better than this; he should hold his head high. Why was he acting like this?

Phil's inner voices were having a quarrel whether he should talk to Brian and apologize but whatever Phil was thinking was burst like a bubble when David and the rest of his crew approached him carefully while Brian was left out.

He already knew what they wanted from him. This is how they start their awful, goddamn initiation and there was no way Phil was about to be a part of it.

David was about to say the first word when Phil interrupted him and said a straight out "no." and turned his back on all of them and left.

Phil never felt more savage than in this moment.

Soon, launch break would be here and Phil would be settling things with Dan and as if on cue, Dan was standing right opposite him, leaned against the wall while all the other people passed him and didn't pay absolutely no attention to him, whatsoever.

Dan turned his back and walked away in the direction that Phil knew all too well but Phil wouldn't skip class for anyone and especially not for someone who was threatening his teacher and being shady and shit.

No, he will take his time.

-

The past has now gone up in flames . And we shall take our beatings.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey my dudes...
> 
> sorry for thing chapter. it's kind of short, but it will do. it's needed for the plot.
> 
> i feel like ppl who read this fic actually don't like it, idk, i am just being insecure.
> 
> i wanna ask you a question.
> 
> is it better for my next fic (the apocalypse au one) to be called Be A Bluelighter or Turn to Chaos'??
> 
> pls let me know!!
> 
> pls, vote or comment your thoughts!!


	5. Curl up in a ball and roll the fuck away from me

"I thought i wouldn't see you anymore. " Dan sadly said, his legs bent and his back leaned on the cold wall of the bathroom he frequently visited with Phil.

Phil has never seen him out of the bathroom until today when he stood there, his face stoic, his expression dead serious, in the hallway of their school. Dan turned his back on him and went away, his actions showing Phil that he wanted to be followed but Phil didn't want to do that. He was done doing things for other people, he decided to direct his time on his own. Nobody ever will tell him what to do and especially, when to do it.

Phil was majorly pissed off and Dan shrugged it off like it was nothing.

"You thought wrong. " Phil answered, his words rolling off his tongue like this was easy to say. It wasn't easy and Dan's dark look was making his blood run cold. Unlike other moments when they met up in this exact place, Phil would feel happy and all bubbly inside and now, it just felt cold.

Phil felt the same again, just like every single day he had until he met Dan.

The seed of doubt was there and Phil had a feeling like it won't go away anytime soon.

Phil couldn't conclude if Dan saw him hiding behind that one wall in the morning and he didn't want to cast any suspicion by acting strangely.

"What do you look so cranky, what's wrong? " Dan asked with actual concern. Phil flinched, Dan's words coming to him like a wave of softness and Phil just wasn't ready for that kind of behavior from Dan. When it was cold, it was supposed to be cold for a longer time and not just for a second.

Dan obviously had an extreme case of mood swings and Phil would endure it without any trouble if only he didn't see that moment between his teacher and Dan early in the morning. Everything was suspicious now and Phil didn't have an intention of letting it go soon. He also didn't have any intention on asking Dan about it, due to being afraid of Dan's reaction. No, he was going to play Sherlock Holmes a bit and try to find out the truth through clues.

"Just an awful day at the Office." Phil joked, his feet carrying him closer to the bench where Dan was sat. Dan moved a bit so Phil could have more spot on the bench.

The two of them were really close and Phil could feel this tingly sensation all over his body as he couldn't pretend that he doesn't know something. It was bothering him, it really was but Phil couldn't just blab it all out and risk the chance of Dan never speaking to him.

Phil decided to pay more attention to how Dan looked like; he didn't look superficially like he did before but this time he searched for certain details. For example, the little crinkles around Dan's eyes when he smiled and the dimples in his cheeks and how cute it looked. There was the skin around his eyes and sometimes Phil could swear like there was makeup around his eyes but maybe, it was just a trick of the light.

Maybe...

"Why are you looking at me like that? " Dan whispered, the giggles coming out of him as he looked around himself like maybe there was something that needs to be fixed on his clothes or maybe just something about him that was wrong.

"I am not looking. " Phil said, his eyes narrowing, his voice thin. "I am observing."

Dan goggled his eyes at Phil and his mouth cranked open a bit as he looked over this incredible boy that acted so strangely. He wanted to laugh at Phil but Phil was really taking his job of "observing "really seriously so Dan decided not to.

"Okay, observe on then. " Dan motioned with his hand as Phil still had his eyes narrowed really tightly and as seconds passed Phil looked more and more ridiculous. Dan had to stop for a second and think about what he did to deserve someone like Phil. Phil was something else completely, absolutely no one else was like him. Dan could be wrong, of course, but in this moment, right here and right now, Phil was the best person alive.

Obviously, Dan wouldn't ever assume that Phil was having pieces of doubts scattered across his body, making their way to his heart as they punctured his lungs and made him unable to breath.

That's what Phil had as an advantage without even knowing that he had any advantage.

Dan was absolutely clueless.

"Okay, i am tired. There's too much to observe. "Phil said in a joking tone, even though inside himself he thought about many other things that Dan wouldn't find out any time soon. He was so fucking intrigued with Dan but there was no way of him casually finding out about whatever happened with Dan and his teacher and he wanted to know so badly but his brain decided instead of his heart because if his heart decided, things would have been completely different.

"I am too much? " Dan asked with a smile, his teeth fucking sparkling.

Phil threw one look at them before the jealously hit the deepest insecurities he unfortunately had in him. Dan was really pretty, he wasn't going to deny it but also Dan was exactly the thing Phil was looking for, for all these years since he started to feel the surge of hormones in his body. The thoughts in Phil's mind started to sink in slowly. Was he having a thing for Dan? Like an actual thing, like a stupid crush?

No fucking way, Phil thought.

All this time they spent together, was it all leading to this?

Phil had to roll his eyes at this absurdity.

Was it really the time to be in love with someone who you had so much suspicion about?

This situation was absurd. Everything was absurd. Phil was absurd. What the ever loving fuck? Honestly, this couldn't be timed worse. If Dan really was the cute, wonderful pumpkin he presented himself to be then Phil sneaking about would be something Dan would perceive as a betrayal.

And if not, then Phil's gut feeling would be right.

As Phil thought before, this couldn't be timed worse.

Dan was speaking for some time now but Phil didn't hear a word. He completely zoned off, his eyes directed somewhere at the wall and his vision was blurry, his head trying to get him out of that float less space. Vacant eyes and a floatless feeling was disrupted with Dan's voice.

"Phil? " Dan's voice rang out through the room, his eyes narrowed as he observed every move Phil made (there weren't many).

"Are you here with me? " Dan shook his arm and turned Phil around to face him face to face. Dan smiled brightly, his smile stretching almost from his ear to ear.

"Yeah, yeah, I am here, 'm fine. " Phil answered bluntly, his words coming out of his mouth like they weren't even spoken by him but by some ghost that inhabited his body.

"I never asked you if you were fine. " Dan carded his hand through Phil's hair, the soft hair going through his long fingers. Phil wanted to back away but it felt so good to be so tenderly touched by someone and especially by someone like Dan. Despite the inner feeling Phil had, he couldn't stop himself from feeling good around Dan.

"Well, it came out as an automatic response, sorry." Phil apologized, his eyes casting suspicious glances at Dan.

It would be normal to act like this but Phil wanted to let it all go and forget that he ever saw Dan fighting with Miss Fitz; also it wasn't just the two of them fighting over a bad grade or something like that. It looked so much worse; it looked like Miss Fitz has done something so abhorrently wrong that Dan wouldn't be able to ever forget.

Phil was shaking slightly because his brain wanted to convince him otherwise. Maybe, it wasn't safe to be around Dan anymore. Maybe, Phil needed to step back from Dan for a few days and just not talk to him. Maybe, that's the only way of discovering what's really going on.

Maybe...

"It's fine. Just remember that you don't have to say that you are sorry to me. I am okay with everything." Dan said simply, the left corner of his lips curling upwards in a small; someone could even say a shy smile.

"Are you okay with everything?" Phil thought.

Dan was faking his feelings, it was so obvious. His eyes weren't smiling at the same time as his lips and that only made Phil scared even more. He needed to find a way out of this situation without being noticed. Phil needed something that would make him look innocent and totally inconspicuous.

His brain was turning into turmoil of mush and Phil wanted to secretly look at the wristwatch he got literally yesterday from his dearest mother. Dan caught him trying to look at it and he leaned in close, his breath cold and his scent really pleasant and whispered, "in ten seconds. Don't worry."

Phil leaned back, his eyes scanning over this peculiar and now, suspicious boy as he smirked all the time.

"You tell me to not worry all the time. Why is that?" Phil stood up, his legs aching to get out of this place that just a few days ago was his one and only sanctuary.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

And the bell rang loudly, echoing through all of the classrooms and hallways and especially, loudly in this one.

"Because you don't have to worry." Dan said matter of factly, his head lulling to the side as he bit his bottom lip in concentration.

Phil didn't believe it for one second.

The light that shone through the window was dark and this time Dan's face looked omnious as hell. it would be a lie if Phil said that he still, even in this moment when all of the evidence pointed at Dan for being shady, he still didn't want to pin him as a bad guy. The last words Dan said echoed through the room and bounced of the walls. These walls did seem to have a certain weight to them, like they've seen some horrible things. if only Phil could ask them what they know, if only there was a way of subtly finding out the things you want to know.

Phil stood there for a second, his eyes staring everywhere but in Dan's eyes but he promised himself that he would at least, gather a bit of courage and look him in the eye as he said the last words to him for today.

"I won't." Phil lied through his teeth, the words flowing to Dan's ears and hurting every single nerve Phil managed to. Dan knew Phil was lying but he wasn't going to act up on it. It wasn't his problem.

The shadow that Phil's figure casted was gone and so was Phil. The sound of kids running around and speaking were tonning down with every second as they entered their classrooms and continued to learn their lessons.

Dan was just sat there. Quietly. His mind couldn't stop from fliping itself from exhaustion as he wondered if he did fuck up eternally with Phil now? His only way out was Phil and now it could be possible that Phil never returns and then what?

if Phil does return Dan needs to take care that Phil never goes away again.

And that might require the truth.

Is Dan really ready to tell the truth?

The clouds covered the sun and what was left of the light was now gone, the shadows overcame everything and the dark enveloped every corner without leaving any sterling silver shadows to live.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, this is a bummer lmao
> 
> this only has  
> 2k i am lame and i hate myself yeahhh
> 
> i feel like ppl don't like this fic that much
> 
> i am insecure
> 
> i know what for
> 
> i am a bad writer lmao
> 
> votes and comments are my shit, pls do that


	6. Breaking and entering

Phil cracked his knuckles as loudly as he could. It was time to investigate.

His nerves were getting to him and he could feel the twitchiness of his body as he wasn't really ready to face all the things he will possibly discover in the upcoming minutes or hours. All the things that Dan says from now on are marked as "suspicious" and anything remotely assuring that is spoken from Dan is erased from Phil's mind. He wanted to make this as if he was some third party that had nothing to do with this. Phil wanted to make this as if he had nothing to do with this in order for his investigation to be as spotless as much as it is possible.

Of course, not everything could go as easily as he predicted because his mom dropped by his room to talk to him every once in a while and then he needed to hide all the points of accusations he had on Dan so that his mom doesn't suspect that he totally neglected the homework he had for tomorrow. It didn't really matter right now because this was bugging him too much and homework isn't the priority at the moment. He can copy from someone else tomorrow when he arrives at school.

Another thing he needed to take care was the fact that he can't see Dan until he resolves this mystery surrounding this boy. Dan was just peculiar in the start but now Phil's suspicion has grown from peculiar to possibly dangerous.

Phil didn't want to pin point Dan as the biggest suspect in the world but let's be real, he was doing exactly that.

His dad dropped by a few times, sat on his bed, chatted about sports and then left the room and with every visit or loud noise coming from the kitchen, he could feel himself getting more less concentrated than ever.

Phil needed a diversion from his thoughts and then a brilliant idea dropped to his mind as he stood up and danced over the small space in his room to an empty wall.

He will make something called a "Murder Board", but of course, it won't be an actual murder board, it will just be a normal board where he will put the evidence he finds.

If he finds any...

The internet was the only resource Phil had but his positivity wasn't lessening in size because after all, the internet held literally everything and if there was literally nothing there, he would be seriously disappointed and even more suspicious.

The murder board was up and Phil took a step back to marvel at its perfection. He got all the sections he needed, he found strings with different colors which he will use when he founds something that will be worth mentioning or something that was similar to each other and now, the only thing he needed was some evidence.

The swivel chair he was on was right there for him to sit in for hours so he slid over the room to it and sat while he still observed the wonder of his murder board.

His mom walked in.

Again.

These people didn't knock like ever.

"Oh, hi, Phil, what are you doing-?" His mom looked over the wall and literally froze in place as her eyes lingered on the wall where Phil put up small pieces of paper where his evidence would go.

His mother was speechless and Phil had to gnaw on his bottom lip to stop himself from laughing.

The wall still didn't have anything on it but his mom was already shocked.

"Just something for school." Phil answered with a small smile as his mom looked him and then the wall and then again at him and then the wall.

His mom just stepped back, her face puzzled, her eyes still pretty much goggled and closed the door.

Phil could swear he heard her saying "what does this school make these kids do these days?" And Phil smiled widely as his mom walked back to the kitchen and smashed a few pots on her way.

"Hello." Dan said, right behind Phil's shoulder. Phil doesn't flinch, he just turns around and eyed out the imaginary Dan he produced in his own mind.

"Hi, Imaginary Dan. What are you doing here?" Phil giggled his way through the sentence. "I am trying to do something here, so you can sit there and be quiet or just evaporate into thin air, I really don't care." Phil shrugged, his mouth coming downwards, not in a sad smile but to show his indifference.

"Do not call me Imaginary Dan." Dan coughed and sat down on the bed but rolled away from it onto the floor in a second. "It's offensive."

"Your mom is offensive." Phil replied over his shoulder.

"That's the lamest thing to say and you know it." Dan persisted in his efforts as Phil shifted uncomfortably.

"So, please, tell me. What are you doing?" Dan interfered once more as he tried to get into Phil's eye view.

"Aren't you in my head, you should know what I am doing?" Phil said simply, all his attempts at shoving Dan away showing to be fruitless.

"Yeah. I am," said Dan while smirking. "But it's more fun when we talk. You know I like it when we talk."

Phil turned around in his swivel chair towards the projection of Dan Howell in his head. He liked to imagine someone when he was studying and now as he was inspecting the case of Dan Howell, he needed someone to talk to him while doing this. It wasn't really normal to talk to yourself like this or to imagine someone to talk.

Of course, then again, it was so much easier to conclude stuff when he made his brain think this way and process stuff as if there was another person with him.

This just proved how lonely he was.

In this case, Dan, well, the imaginary one would help him in trying to conclude who the hell Dan is at all.

Phil turned around, back to his laptop as he tried the general search.

Google was there, the little line blinking at him as it waited for Phil to type in something.

Dan came closer to Phil and leaned in so much that Phil could feel his breath. Well, his imaginary breath.

Dan Howell, Phil typed in.

There were a few seconds before anything popped up and then the page finally showed up, showing many results.

The first page was a link to the Facebook profile of that dude with many dogs and cats and the second one was another link to the place where the dude from USA worked with guess what? Yeah, with cats and dogs.

Phil didn't want to miss anything so he clicked on that page where there was a picture of the dude that looked absolutely nothing like Dan and it said that this guy lived in Machias (wherever that is) and that he started this shelter after being a musician for so many years and getting tired of it because the sodomy got to him.

Wow, that sure was impressive.

Dan leaned in, almost touching the screen with his face.

"So, this is a big ball of nothing?" Dan restlessly asked as he started to jump in place and irritate Phil at the same time.

"It's not a big ball of nothing, we can still find something." Phil couldn't help but have a bit of nervousness in his voice. After all, the internet was the only thing he had and now, it showed that even the biggest fucking search machine wasn't helping him.

"You can always go to the second page." Dan shrugged it off and landed once more onto Phil's bed.

"Going to the second page is like going to the deep web." Phil replied sadly as he could already feel the oncoming headache he will have in a few hours.

The murder board was empty and it saddened him how vacant it looked like. He needed to fix it somehow; literally any clue was important and relevant.

Dan started to jump around the room and Phil looked at him like he was a madman. Of course, Dan was just jumping real high while also not giving a fuck actually. In that time, Phil asked himself, "why the fuck and what the fuck is my brain trying to tell me with this?"

And the answer was well, absolutely nothing.

His brain was making distractions as always and he needed to make Dan stop somehow but he was so tired and so not well rested, he just wanted to sleep, but he didn't have any clues and he didn't know what to do and he needed to know something about Dan.

Dan just jumped up and down like he had strings attached to his feet.

What a fucking loser.

Dan suddenly stopped and turned around, his face facing Phil's.

"This isn't lucid dreaming." Dan sat on the floor, his legs crossed as he eyed out Phil who was beyond tired with everything.

"I am just trying to help you." Dan said simply, his eyebrow lifting innocently.

"No!" Phil almost shouted. "No, you are not. You are just being a distraction."

Phil cradled his face in his hands, his fingers going slowly over his eyes and mouth as he tried to relax.

"Well, a very good one, apparently." Dan said with a small smile as they both joined in the laughter a second later.

"I am actually pathetic." Phil admitted truthfully. His legs crossing as he turned away from the failure of that computer that gave him no results.

"Why would you say that?" Dan asked, his face showing true sadness.

Phil looked up to the ceiling, his gut twisting in knots every second that got away.

"I am pathetic because I am researching you. Without any reason. I am acting all weird and shit, I don't know anymore." Phil dug his hands into his pockets, his eyes avoiding Dan's brown ones.

"There is a reason, isn't there?" Dan stopped mid-sentence. "You have a crush on real Dan."

There was no time for lying, not even to himself and it was time that his feelings take a slow downfall as they settle at the bottom of his soul.

Dan was still sitting there, his eyes full of wonder just because Phil wanted it to be that way. He was in his head, he knew that.

There was no reason to lie anymore and who knows; maybe real Dan was also crushing real hard in Phil.

Who knows? Life is wild sometimes.

"Yeah, I do." Phil admitted, the cold going straight to his bones. "I want to be sure what I am getting into. I want to know if I am getting into some bad shit. That's logical, right?"

"I guess it is."

Phil turned around again, away from imaginary Dan but still continued to talk to him.

"You are in my head. You should agree with me." Phil added jokingly, his lips curling upwards in the smallest smile he could have mustered.

"Well, you expect from me to not agree with you." Dan added while snapping his fingers and rolling onto the floor rather dramatically.

"Jesus fucking Christ. I love mind games." Phil let out a sad sigh as he casted a glance towards Dan that was on the floor, rolling.

Dan stands up and starts dancing around rather cheerfully and doing fucking cartwheels which Phil is most definitely sure the real Dan can't do and also his room is super small, nobody that tall would manage to do that without hitting a wall or his bed or the desk Phil was currently on.

Phil turns around to his laptop and tries again. All the searches still show the dude from USA that likes cats and dogs way too much.

That dude is quite famous with his cats and dogs, it's truly weird.

Maybe, researching just the last name Howell and the place where they live would get him some results.

Dan is still doing cartwheels when Phil finally gets something to hold on to.

"There is an artist that lives in the city but he doesn't have kids, also he's older than Dan. There is some family that lives nearby, but they have a kid and the other one was missing five years ago, they still didn't find their kid."

Dan stands up to see what Phil's seeing.

"It was their daughter. But her name is not here."

Phil decided to print that shit out because it was the only clue he got so far and it was worth exploring a bit. Who knows maybe Phil will actually get some answers in the end?

All of this was not enough for Phil; he still didn't know where these people lived or what to do when he actually knocks on their door. So, he scrambled through his brain to find something that might be useful.

Phil remembered that one time these kids from the school next to them broke into the school at night and set fire to all the documents in there.

Phil's teachers were horrified and they warned them if they ever do something like that, they will be burned at the stake or some shit like that.

Of course, no one at his school would do that, so Phil made the decision of breaking and entering his school in order to find the students files.

There's got to be a Dan Howell somewhere in there.

The only thing left was to break in, steal the file and fucking read whatever was in there and then later put it back.

Dan probably heard his inner thoughts and voiced it out.

"You are not fucking normal."

"It's your fault." Phil smiled as Dan scoffed loudly.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys.  
> Votes and comments are rad!!  
> I am going to start writting the apocalypse au soon!!! I will let you know


	7. Get your shadows out

-What do you like?  
-I don't know.  
-What do you mean you don't know?'"  
-I just... Don't know.  
-I am going to clarify it for you then.  
-Okay. Go on.  
-Do you like books?  
-No...  
-I mean reading books?  
-No. I don't.  
-Okay. Fine. That's not a shame. A lot of people don't like reading. It's totally cool.  
-If you say so.  
-Okay. What about watching movies? Ha? Do you enjoy that?  
-Not really a big fan.  
-That's okay. A lot of my friends, i mean people i know, are not big movie watchers. It's fine.  
-If you say so.  
-What about video games? Do you have a favourite video game?  
-No. I don't spend time on that.  
-For fucks sake...  
Is something wrong?  
-No. I just... don't know. I... guess. Do you don't like even the violent ones?  
-No. Not my thing i guess.  
-Okay then. Not books. Not movies. Not video games. Not... what about sports? Football or something?  
-No.  
-Fuckin hell.  
-Are you mad at me?  
-No. I am not just...  
What do you do all day long?  
-Nothing much.  
-I can see that.  
-You sound mad. Are you mad at me?  
-I am not mad at you.I am fine.  
-Okay. If you say so.  
-Fuck. Okay. Do you wanna go some place else?  
-Wherever you want to go.  
-Are you fucking kidding me?

-

Phil Lester was not a big fan of strolling through life like he wasnt even living a life. Sure thing, he had a lot of hate for the world and it may look like he wasn't interested in anything, but deep down Phil fucking enjoyed life. He enjoyed it so much, he could squeal from happiness. There were so many things to be happy about. From movies to books to even fucking sports. There were things in life that were just extraordinary and Phil wasn't going to let it just flow away, from his fingers and into the dust that came before him.

He wasnt letting life have the best of him. He wanted to have the best of life.

Phil Lester was quick on the trigger when it came to people he liked and the things he enjoyed. Those things and people meant a lot to him and he wasnt going to let anyone destroy it.  
And hoo boy, were people always in the mood to make someone sad and angry, especially someone who looked like Phil Lester, all fragile and scared.

People were like rotten eggs. They smelt fucking awful and they ruined everything.

He had to stop for a moment and laugh at himself, Phil's brain was so stuck today that he could only compare people to rotten eggs. Unbelivable.

There was a big amount of thoughts that ran through Phil's brain today and for once, Phil let them have their fun.

One conversation he had, stuck to his brain and lead him to his sophomore year of highschool. That time was complicated for him and he had no time for bullshit (he didnt have time for bullshit now too either). And this person he met and unfortunately kissed during some intoxication due to misery surronding him was the current thought in his brain.

He didnt really regret kissing that person and he didnt regret going to meet this person after their awkward kiss they shared in some earlier morning hours on a Sunday. Sundays were never good days for anything and yet, Phil did a lot of shit on that day in the week.

After that Sunday, Phil kept in touch with this person for exactly one day.

They met after school on a sunny Tuesday.

The sun was up high and it was no more, no less that noon and Phil's skin was barely enduring the strong light that travelled through the air. There was absolutely no wind and Phil was sat on a wodden bench right next to a random large body of water that terrified him to his bones with its depth and darkness.

The person was late and Phil could easily forgive them because after all, who knows? Maybe they were stuck in traffic. Highly unlikely, but a boy could hope.

After this person finally showed up, the conversation they started up was beyond awkward and even the tentative steps they took were as if they were breaking the silence. Phil was the one who immidiately started talking just to fill in the void that was now their conversation but his efforts turned out to be futile.

This person was lifeless. This person was as if God just decided to play a joke and make a person who doesnt enjoy anything. Like anything.at all.

Phil quickly ended whatever they had and decided to never speak to this person again.

The new rule was also set up.  
"Never trust yourself when you are slightly drunk, you are bound to make a mistake."  
Phil couldnt believe the massive wrong step he's done. He literally ran away after the person said that they needed to go home and Phil was beyond relieved.  
The thing was, Phil couldn't handle people with no interest. Phil couldnt handle people who didnt know what to do with their lives. He couldn't handle people who were like this person who lived for nothing.

Give them another chance.

Someone once said and Phil denied.

You are being selfish, why are you like this?

Phil knew the answer.  
He couldn't connect with someone who didnt have any goddamn interest. He just couldn't and it would be a shame if he only did it because of remorse.

Phil didn't believe in those things when people say that opposites attract and he most definitely didnt believe in friendships between people who enjoyed things and people who just shrugged their shoulders at everything.

Phil had enough pain in his life and he wasnt going to let someone bring him down even more.

Sometimes, he often wondered, if the choices he made were a mistake. But then again, he remembers that life is a twisty thing and you can't control it, no matter what.

On the other hand, Dan Howell was a person with so many interests, with so many peculiar things about him and most of all, he accepted everything Phil said and all the little quirks Phil had and couldn't get rid of.

Dan didnt mind. He never did.

Unfortunately, that wasnt stopping Phil Lester from breaking into the main office and literally stealing a file that would soon let him know who Dan Howell actually is.

Two weeks have gone by and his plan was now a solid mark on his calender. Phil actually marked it on his schedule and put everything on paper. His mom walked in and pointed out the date where it said BIG HEIST and asked his curiously what was that about to which Phil lied and said that a big test was scheduled for that day.

Phil was a bad liar and for some reason he felt guilty when he lied to his mother. But then again, if he actually told his mom about what he was intending to do, she would actually chain him to his bed and lecture him the entire day.

The day for this operation was perfect. It was a Friday morning and there was no school.

But, the students were all in the school.

Why? You may ask...  
It was a lovely day for worship and that was exactly what everyone was doing. It was Saint Frances day and this school valued Frances almost more than honesty.

Just almost...

All in all, all of the kids and teachers and even the cleaners are bound to be at the prayer in the main hall and then everyone is forced to go to church. Nobody was escaping. Nobody could escape after all, all of the doors were locked.

Literally, one kid from Phil's class joked how they locked them up for sacrifices and then he ended up at the principes office because the chemistry teacher was right behind him. When you talk shit in a school like this, you better look around and see if there are rats around you who could snitch you out to people who can get you in trouble.

That was why Phil kept his fucking mouth shut.

Everybody will be in the main hall and Phil will stay in the bathroom stall on the second floor until he's sure that everyone left and then he will steal the file or even better just read it and find out what he needs to know and put it back where he found it.

Yeah, that's better.

The kids started to exit the hall and Phil followed suit. He didn't want much attention brought to him and so far, he was doing an okay job at it. Far off in the distance, Phil could swear that he saw Dan just slightly strolling between seats that were put for teachers (the students just stand around for hours because who gives a fuck about kids, right?) and there was some glint in his eye but he couldn't decipher what it was or who it was and Phil honestly hoped that that person wasn't Dan.

They haven't seen each other for two weeks and Phil was beyond sure that Dan was probably pissed off at Phil for not coming or maybe he was dipped into so much self hatred that he couldn't even blame Phil. Phil got so unbelivably sad after thinking these thoughts, it would be so much better if Dan just blamed Phil.

It would be so much better.

Now, it was the perfect time to just scram to the bathroom and wait but a bunch of teachers were blocking his way, so he needed to occupy them somehow so he could casually stroll pass them without them noticing him and kicking his ass.

Okay, they wouldn't kick his ass but still, they weren't really one of the most rational people.

A perfect opportunity was coming along and he just stepped behind his favourite teacher and walked with her as he passed all of the teachers and headed to the stairs. This was beyond perfect, his plan was unraveling just fine and the only problem was-

"Phil, dear. What are you doing?" his English teacher spoke quietly.

She was his favorite teacher ever, literally the only good person in the entire school. Can you imagine that, one good person out of thousand people that were here every day. Fucking horrible.

Miss Dozier was literally the best because firstly, she once told the class the she listened to Metallica to which everybody looked at her like she was out of her mind and secondly, she was actually a good teacher.

Also, she was a nun.

Also, Phil had all A's in her class, so who wouldn't love her?

Phil's tongue got frozen in his mouth as he looked at his favorite teacher. His fingers were twitchy and for a second he forgot what he was intending to say. "To the bathroom, Miss." Phil spoke, his voice wavy and insecure.

"Oh, you should have told me that without any fear in your voice. Calm down." Miss Dozier looked over him as if she saw somebody. Phil turned around but there was nobody there. "Just remember, you can't be late at the Mass. Your principle would be mad."

She gave him a large smile and just casually left his sight.

The bathroom was right there and Phil literally sprinted for it until he was safe behind closed doors. Suddenly, he realized that his feet hurts from sprinting literally only a few meters and he cursed himself for his inability to be sporty at least a little bit.

This bathroom was wider and cleaner than the one he's been spending time in. These walls were much more solid and they looked like they weren't going to cave in any second just like those walls where Dan and Phil spent time.

Phil could feel the surge of guilt filling up all the empty spaces in his body and soul and he just knew that what he's doing right now is not good and not just that but he had a feeling, and a good one that he wasn't going to pull out any information from Dan's mouth.

This was the only thing he could do.

And even if Dan was willing to give any information about himself, Phil wasn't sure he was strong enough in Dan's presence to act all Sherlock Holmes-y. Dan was distracting him and Phil couldn't stop staring at his wonderful, captivating brown eyes when he spoke and the crinkles that formed when he smiled.

Phil wasn't able to concentrate around him and this was why he was doing everything the harder way. He peaked through the little keyhole that never had a key inside and observed if anything moved anywhere. There was luckily absolutely no one around and Phil threw a quick prayer on Latin just in case someone decided to barge in on him literally stealing something.

Breaking and entering actually, but he will be only entering.

So, it's not that big of a crime, right?

The doors to the main office were closed and Phil could hear the prayers starting so he crossed himself once more and gathered some courage as he left the bathroom.

He tiptoed over to the door that was covered in dust? It was covered in dust? How the hell?

Confusion aside, he scratched the door slightly and felt the material under his fingers as he went to the doorknob and turned it and peaked inside. Luckily for him and for the world, there was no one inside and no more and no less, Phil saw the big stickers glued to one of the cabinets that said STUDENTS FILES in black sharpie.

Phil's mind was having a parade of fireworks and bubbles escaping from champagne as he realized that the only thing he needed to do was cross the small distance between the front door and the window where the cabinet was and voila he was done.

It would be an understatement if Phil said that he walked towards it, because in reality he actually sprinted towards in and opened it wide. All of the files came running out of it, and it was all sorted alphabetically so Phil didn't have any trouble with that. The only problem was that he actually didn't know which class Dan was in so he just started going over the H letter.

Phil started from the senior class and went over all of them and realized there's not a single Howell in there, which to be honest wasn't a surprise. Obviously, Phil didn't expect from Dan to be as old as he is, even though sometimes it seemed like Dan was too mature for even seniors.

But maybe, Dan was the exception that confirmed the rule.

Juniors were next.

Every once in a while, Phil would stop and listen if something or somebody moved near him just in case somebody barged in on him and then blamed him for God knows what. Phil was working really slowly due to fear and his fingers were tremendously shaking but the Mass usually lasts for like hour and a half or so, so that meant he was free for some time to work without any distractions.

Juniors didn't have anyone named Howell either.

This was getting fucking weird as hell. Phil could feel sweat dripping down his next and further down his chest until it connected to his awful, ugly, goddamn school uniform.

He needed to stop and take few deep breaths. The sharp inhale he took travelled through his mouth, down his trachea and into his lungs and he could feel some relaxation surging into his body, but of course, it wasn't really enough.

This situation was beyond stressful and he couldn't believe that he was doing an actual felony. He was eighteen; he could end up in prison. Or would he? Would this catholic school and the Catholic Church just cover it all up?

They would probably do that, just like they send kids to other school instead of failing them.

Those motherfuckers cover everything up.

Phil had to admit that out of all of the hate for the world that he has, the biggest amount of negative energy he feels goes straight to this same institution.

The students that were freshmen and sophomores were a little bit scattered so Phil had to go through every single one of them until he went through all of them.

There wasn't a single Howell in there.

Not a single one.

All of this was for nothing, for fucking nothing and Phil wanted to punch himself so hard but he hesitated and thought about this situation clearly, there was something wrong about this, which was for sure, because Miss Fitz talked to Dan which meant, she knew something.

But then again, Phil couldn't just approach Miss Fitz and straight out ask her "yo, you know anyone named Dan Howell?" Firstly because, Phil would terrify her and he didn't want to get on her bad side. After all, he still needed to finish high school and he didn't want that to lower his grades. And one more thing, it would probably get him into even more trouble if Miss Fitz told anything to other teachers.

Finally then, Phil would be majorly screwed.

So, he wasn't going to do that.

Phil looked around, there has to be something that might point him towards Dan and then finally one sticker almost jumped out at his eyes, making everything else feel like a blur and a grey haze. Older files from students who finished school who were now on college or maybe older, these files weren't supposed to be here. Phil heard that those files were either discarded or stored in some old storage.

But no, they were there. Right there, nearby where Miss Fitz usually sat.

It also looked suspiciously rummaged through, so Phil made a quick detour around the chairs and the round table that surrounded it and found himself right above the box. The first file that somehow stuck out was Miss Fitz. It was more than obvious that this was her class when she went to school.

So, that was five years ago.

And there were the files of her "presumably" friends and just generally the people she went to school with. The H letter stuck out the most, like as if someone pulled it out numerous times. Phil dipped his fingers in and touched the marker that said H and then he started going through them, from Hackle to Harrington and from Hincks to finally Howell.

Phil's fingers were shaking and there it was the file, the only file where it said Howell. His hands were shaking so much, he almost couldn't see that it says Howell on it, but he knew, he just did. He opened it up and a layer of dust that gathered on every single one made its way towards his nose and almost choked him as he finally laid his eyes on the name and the general data.

There it was a name, but not the name Phil hoped for.

Jemima Angelina Howell.

Who the hell? What the hell?

Phil had a feeling like he was going to fall unconscious, what was this? Who was this person? Bile gathered in his throat and if there was a more convenient time, he would most definitely puke, but it was no such time for those things, so he took a few sharp inhales and tried to calm his breath as much as possible.

Who was Jem?

Who was she to Dan?

She went to class with Miss Fitz, there's got to be some connection.

Phil turned the pages furiously until he reached the last one, and he got almost nothing. He was furious and miserable; he wanted to cry right there but he couldn't muster the little strength you usually needed to cry.

This was beyond frustrating.

Phil noticed something weird in the beginning but now his mind forced him to look closer into the file and then he noticed that it wasn't known what grades this Jem person had at the end of their senior year. It was known for everyone, it just didn't say for Jem.

What did you do Jem? Who are you? Phil asked himself.

Phil could feel his vein on his neck pulsating in such hurry he's never actually experienced before. Everything would've been fine if only Dan didn't shout at Miss Fitz, then Phil wouldn't suspect at all and he-

"What are you doing?" someone half shouted, half whispered from the front door and Phil literally almost lay down on the floor from fear.

"Phil, what the hell, get out before someone finds you here." David shouted at him now, his face red and panicked as he looked around and into the hallway behind him.

Phil glanced one more time at the file and looked at the address.

Maple Street 77

That's all he needed for his next step.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry it took so long to publish this chapter. i've been feeling super down lately.
> 
> anyway, what do you think it's going on??
> 
> let me know in the comments.
> 
> votes and comments are the shit!


	8. Play crack the smile

Maple Street is literally the ugliest street in Phil's entire existence and Phil has seen a lot of ugly streets.

But this one is particularly ugly.

Phil took a turn from Cleveland Street and now here he was - in Maple Street where there's not a single Maple in here. He was standing right next to some restaurant called Vasis and they had a bunch of flowers hanging on their front porch.

Maybe, Phil should buy flowers or something.

What the hell?

No, that was a stupid idea and still is. Why would he need flowers? He doesn't even know if this Jem Howell even lives there or if Dan lives there. Phil wanted to smack himself on the head but some dude passed him in a checkered sweater so he didn't want to bring any attention to him, whatsoever.

Phil continued to walk slowly to the place where he was supposed to go, his mind agressively clouded with so many possibilities and with so many worries that he almost ran into a truck that said Char Berger on it in red, italic letters.

Char Berger was one of those destination companies or whatnot, Phil wasn't entirely sure about it.

The truck was painted in black and only the letters that said some information that was relevant was painted in red.

There was also their number written out right beneath the title of their company.

020 8357 3601

Maybe, Phil should just call them and go to Kensington Street where they were situated, buy a ticket to Fiji, take Dan with him and never come back.

Yeah, that'd be great, also very undoable.

Phil wasn't sure where Dan spent his time when he had no school and that was why he threw himself in this expedition of sorts in order to find what Dan was hiding and maybe, where he was hiding.

These buildings were grey and brown which was literally the worst combination ever and these spiky fences surrounded them. Phil felt like someone threw him in the 19th century and soon, he will see Sherlock Holmes going around with his pipe and John Watson limping behind him and making snarky comments.

That of course, was not happening.

There was a pathetic excuse for a little bit of nature they had here, they literally had trees planted in an alley and they thought that that was enough to justify their awareness for nature.

Yeah, fucking right.  
Maple Street was, weirdly enough a business area and Phil just couldn't put Dan in this street.

Phil just couldn't imagine Dan Howell graciously walking around here.  
He just couldn't.

This street was too plain and ordinary for someone like Dan.

Phil needed to stop thinking about Dan because he's either going to get run over by a car or he will fall into a hole that wasn't there before. He usually had that amount of luck so he redirected his attention towards the street and made his legs work properly (he had too , because one time he actually managed to forget how to walk).

There was another street right across the huge, blue building and Phil stared at it while his mind tripped over his memory in order to remember whether this was the street he was supposed to go or whether he should just continue going straight ahead.

Phil turned the corner and looked up to see the rock sign on the building that said Conway Street.

Therefore, the only thing he could do is go straight ahead.

Phil was literally tip-toing his way through these streets because, who actually knows? He could legit get lost in here, it wouldn't be the first time.

Like that time five years ago, when he got lost in his own street. Yeah, his own damn street, where he grew up and knew it like the back of his hand. But then again, maybe it wasn't his fault that much, there were construction workers working on a road that lead to his house and he didn't really know another way.

It took him an hour and a half to get back home. Phil never told it to anyone and he most definitely wasn't telling Dan that. Even though, sometimes when Dan looked at him, he had a feeling like Dan could see right through him. All the cool points Phil earned in Dan's head (if Dan had such a thing) Phil would most definitely lose if he told Dan all the weird shit he did in his younger years or even now, in his late teen years.

Phil was not a practical person and sometimes, when it came to these kinds of tasks, he was completely lost. If one street isn't working properly for traffic, he will get so baffled and lost like damn, he is so not ready for life.

Unlike Phil, Dan seemed to get how everything goes and did things with such ease. His walk was somewhat tender and he never aggressively brushed people off nor did he even actually touch them.

Except Phil.

He did hold his hand once and he did put his hand of Phil's bony knee.

Phil wasn't really sure why he fancied Dan so much. Maybe, it was the fact that Dan did look like he was actually interested when Phil talked randomly about his favourite topics.

Or maybe...  
Phil was exaggerating how nice and beautiful Dan was.  
Maybe, he was blind to see who Dan actually was.

Phil passed another equally ugly building in which he could see random people dressed in equally ugly and colourless clothes that ran around the office. If Dan did ever live here, then, he must have been bored as hell. If Phil lived here, he would have killed himself long ago.  
All the horrible thoughts aside, Phil had a feeling like he has been walking around this neighborhood for hours now, but his watch showed him otherwise.

It's only been five minutes, or well now six since the smaller clock hand stopped for a second on the number twelve.

Perception and time obviously gets fucked when you are nervous.

Right there, somewhere in the middle of the street was the number 77 and Phil wanted to stop and maybe run back but it was too late now and his hand was already on the door and the sharp knocking soon echoed throughout the unknown house.

The blue front doors remained closed for a few seconds and Phil thought, oh well, maybe no one is home, but then the front door got opened wide and there was a women standing, her eyes curious and her breath a little ragged from possibly running to open the door. She looked like she didn't get much sleep today or well, any day before that, she lifted her eyebrow and Phil wanted to say something but his stuttering got the best of him.

The woman was still standing there, her face stoic and totally, hopefully not annoyed by Phil's stuttering and block he had in his mind.

"Ah, I am looking for Jem Howell." Phil said as quickly as possible. The lady changed her expression and Phil didn't know what to do so he added, "does she live here?"

The woman, presumably Ms. Howell opened the door fully and beckoned Phil to come inside.

Well, this was easy, at least, Phil thought.

"Jem? The woman said sadly, "why are you looking for Jem?"

Phil couldn't help but mumble a little as he was completely unprepared to speak with any sense. He looked to the side and then down like someone just yelled at him and not just asked him a simple question.

"I... Don't know exactly, actually I think that Jem knows someone I am looking for?"

The woman's eyes widened at that and she stopped for a moment, her whole body completely still, almost as if someone clicked the pause button on the world.

"Uh. Okay." The woman said, her lips forming a thin line. "Do you want to go into the living room?"

"Yeah, sure." Phil said without thinking.

They both entered the home and Phil instantly looked over the walls in a search for pictures and clues and somehow the house seemed empty. Vacant. Lonely. It looks like it has been stripped away from its personality. Phil clutched at his heart, the beating slowly steadying itself as his eyes glazed over the light pink colours of the wall.

Why is he doing this? This is hopeless. Why would Dan be here, what is this place-?

"Would you like some tea?"

Phil's thought were interrupted by the woman's question and Phil turned around to see her, his head snapping back so quickly, he almost had whiplash.

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

She turned her back and then she turned once more, a thought travelling in her mind.

"Or maybe you want some coffee?"

Phil thought about it for a second, but decided against it, he had his coffee in the morning and he would actually like to sleep today and not have a rave party at 3 am.

"No, no. Tea is fine."

She smiled and turned away from him once more. A voice called out from the kitchen.

"I have some forest fruit tea. Do you like that one?"

Phil lulled his head to the side and he could see the orange cabinets that this woman was opening quickly in efforts to find tea as quickly as possible.

"Yeah, I do."

The lady brought the tea and on the paper bags it said "Happy". Phil looked at the person opposite him and thought how ironic that is. Happy. That lady doesn't look happy.

Phil thinks about ironic things for a second and how in the most miserable time, he met Dan Howell who made him happy and now, he's making him miserable. So yeah, pretty ironic.

"What school do you go to?"

Phil puckered his lips. Should he say it?

"St. George's Catholic school." Phil said as her face turned unbelievably sour. Maybe, she shared the same disgust as Phil does of that goddamn institution.

"Oh." She finally said with a hint of sadness to her face.

Her eyes were liveless.

Dead eyes.

Dead mouth.

Everything on her looked like it pained her.

"Why 'Oh'?" Phil dared to ask, his eyes narrowing suspiciously, Ms. Howell looking away to a lighter point on the wall where there was nothing. Maybe, there was a picture before but now it was gone.

"I just... Jem went there."

Not that Phil didn't know that. Like that was totally brand new information. Okay, he needed to stop being sarcastic and tone the fuck down. He even started to feel guilty.

"Oh?" Phil said guiltily, "i know that."

There's literally no point in lying so Phil spat out the truth. He could almost feel the empty halls calling out his name but there was nothing he could do and nothing he could do to make him feel better or to make Ms. Howell happy.

"I don't want to cause any trouble but i already know that."

There's a small pause and the silence hangs in the air.

"How so?" her eyes sparked with intrigue and Phil internally cursed himself. She looked too goddamn hopeful. There was no hope in this case. Phil didn't know shit about Jem, he was hoping that Ms. Howell could grant him some information.

"I found Jem's student file."

Her eyes widened once more and Phil cursed himself once more, just so that he remembers it

"So..."

The lady cast suspicious glances in Phil's direction.

"What do you want to know?"

Phil rubbed the bridge of his nose and looked somewhere behind Ms. Howell. He could swear there was shadow but then again, it could be his tired eyes tricking him into seeing things he never actually saw.

"Why aren't there any of her data in the last half of the semester? There are no grades?"

A tear in Miss Howell's eye appeared and rolled down her cheek. Phil wasn't sure what he was supposed to do so he let it be, his hands twitching nervously.

"She-ah. She disappeared. That's why her grades aren't there." Ms. Howell wanted to stop the tears from falling but she blinked way too many times and now she was just crying more, the quiet muffles coming out. She raised her hand to her face and covered it like she didn't want Phil to see.

Phil's heart stopped. The only lead he had was missing.

Then it dawned on him.

"Is she dead?" Phil asked rather shyly. He didn't know how to act around people who were sad, he wasn't really good at it. The only thing he ever did when someone was sad was to offer them food, but he was literally empty handed today. There was nothing he could do.

"They proclaimed her to be."

Phil leaned back into the couch, the tea still on the coffee table, not even sipped by the both of them.

"Oh, okay." Phil answered, his reply hanging in the air. The atmosphere heavy as all hell and the questions roaming around Phil's head but none of them was gathering courage to come up.

"You look like you have something else on your mind other than what i said." Ms. Howell sighed heavily, the tears finally stopped but her eyes were glassy and red. Phil thought about how maybe she doesn't care about the tears or about the fact that she just cried in front of teenage boy she doesn't even know. A stranger, after all-

"Yeah. " Phil paused, his courage finally showing up and a question upon his lips. "I do actually."

A nervous laughter escaped his lips.

"Do you know who Dan Howell is?"

A moment of silence and fury on Ms. Howell's face. It was extremely concerning and weird to see the change in Ms. Howell's face so quickly. She went from pure sadness to pure anger in a second.

"Get the hell out of my house."

Phil jerked back like he was hit by something. What was wrong? What was this all about?

"What? Why? What did i do wrong?"

Ms. Howell clenched her hands by her sides and a few heavy breaths escaped her lips. Was she gonna yell? Phil can't handle that shit.

"Get out!" Ms. Howell practically screamed.

Okay, fuck no. Phil literally froze in the seat from fear. She grabbed his arm and dragged him through the living room and into the hallway and then out.

The door was slammed in front of his face. Phil raised his arm to knock again but it was in vain. There was no hope here.

-

His mind was skipping over every subject he wanted to have in his head and it redirected him straight to things he didn't want to think about.

The slam of the front, blue door of the Howell residence, the sadness in Ms. Howell's eyes. Just everything that could possibly disturb him even more.

Phil walked all the way home and he stumbled across a cemetery. One lonely cemetery with no one inside it.

This came as a blessing honestly, he needed to calm his thoughts and maybe the graveyard is a good place to do it.

Saint Mary's cemetery was indeed one of the places Phil found soothing even though it was creepy as all of hell. It was extremely old and Phil wasn't quite sure when it was established but looking at the graveyards and all the tombstones he assumed it was the nineteenth century or so.

The door creaked as he stepped inside it and one step ahead and one more and he was already walking around this cemetery with literally no goal at all. His mind was vacant; he couldn't force himself to think about anything concrete. Phil's mind would make him think of Dan but he cast that aside. He already felt sad; there was no way he wanted to feel even sadder.

What was Dan's deal anyway?

Does he prey on lonely people who stumble inside empty toilets in catholic schools? What is his deal?

Phil's eyes scanned over the graveyards.

There were too many tombstones and all of them had the same writing on it.

Dead.

Loved.

Brother. Father. Mother. Sister. Daughter. Son.

Whatever.

Phil wants his graveyards to be fancy with a cool tombstone and not this.

Maybe, it should say "the king of the universe" or is that just too much?

Yeah. It's too much.

Something normal, something modest would do just fine.

There was a nice writing on one of the graves- Let me be where the wildflowers grow and the sea taps gently at my feet- Great loves live on. Love is eternal.

Phil looked up to see the name and holy shit, it was Jem.

Jem Howell is buried here. Fuck. Oh fuck. That was supposed to be logical; this is the closest place to where Ms. Howell lives. Fuck. Fuck-

Phil didn't know why he was freaking out. It wasn't like Jem could give him any information about Dan. It was pretty sad to be here, to sit right at her grave and to have so many questions and yet, nobody can answer.

Nobody.

Well, there is a person who could answer but Phil is too afraid to ask.

He should just grab his courage by the balls and go ask Dan the things he wants to know.

He stopped. He just stopped for a second and said fuck it. This is just wild goose chasing. Phil needs to stop going around the corners and trying to get the answers from other people. He should just ask the source.

Phil stood up rather fast, the world spinning a little bit and looked down at the grave.

Did this just give him some courage or did he come up with this himself?

Anyway, he should thank Jem.

"Thanks, Jem." Phil said aloud and looked around just in case somebody thinks he's speaking to himself.

Phil turned on his heel and started to walk off.

The wind carried the smell from the city all the way to this place and the cemetery hummed ominously, just as if they were saying:

You are not welcome.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dudes.  
> I havent updated in a bunch i am horrible.  
> Pls vote and comment so that i feel alive

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys,
> 
> this is my new fic, 
> 
> this chapter has 4.5k words, nice.
> 
> i am still not sure how many chapters this fic will have. i hope a lot.
> 
> please tell me your thoughts, you know i appreciate them.
> 
> so yeah, votes and comments are rad!!
> 
> (p.s. i thought i invented simon bolivar as this famous singer (imagine him like David Bowie), it turns out simon bolivar was some spanish political leader lmao


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